I had a great conversation with my friend the other night as she vented to me about men. She just got into a fight with her “boyfriend” and she just wanted someone to listen to. As she concluded her rant she made a final statement that made me pause and wonder a few things.
“Men aint shit so I don’t need them”
I let that statement linger in the air took note of her dating track record and realized a few things. She continually chooses men who are a certain type but not the type that make solid commitments. How many of us do the same thing? We have a certain type that we like, for example tall, handsome, black, white, asian, biracial, banker, lawyer, executive, construction worker, bad boy, good guy, geek, artist, musician, or whomever you want to insert in here yet, when these types don’t fit our needs or inevitably lets us down in areas that are most important to us we become disenchanted, bitter and cynical?
It’s like going to the grocery store, buying a bag of kiwi’s and being pissed off that they don’t taste like raspberries. Yet every time you go to the grocery store, you buy another bag of kiwi’s expecting them to taste like raspberries. If you did this in real life people would think you were nuts and rightly so. So why would you keep choosing someone expecting them to be someone else then getting pissed off because they are not who you want them to be even though you continually choose that type?
If all these men are dogs, then why are they sniffing around your garbage? The common denominator in all these dogs coming around is you. Now I am not trying to be rude but at some point you have to look in the mirror and find out why you are the common denominator in all these dogs mistreating you. What is happening in your head and life that you are projecting out to the world that’s attracting these dogs? Are you thinking negatively about relationships? Did you have bad examples of relationships growing up? Are you insecure? Do you love yourself? Are you busy in the right ways or are you being busy as a way to avoid intimacy to avoid being hurt? Are you nursing a broken heart and unable to let go of your anger so it doesn’t jade your perspective? Did you give yourself time between your last relationship to go through the stages of grief or is your perspective to replace them with another man coming back to haunt you?
You are the master of your destiny through the choices you make when confronted with life’s situations. Life is unpredictable, you can’t predict what it will bring your way but you can make smart choices that will open doors and pathways to help you towards living well. Living well is living without animosity, bitterness, and anger. Living well is living the life you’ve always wanted beyond your wildest dreams but like being happy it is about making choices that will lead you to that path.
Men can sense when a woman is genuinely happy with herself. Nothing is more attractive to a man then a woman who has a life of her own and is not sitting around waiting to be swept off her feet. A woman who is content and happy with herself, and comfortable in her own skin is attractive to any man. She gives off a quiet confidence, stability and self assurances that makes men take notice and want to get closer to her. I remember last year around May, when I finally told myself I was going to stop blaming and shaming myself about my ex-boyfriend I began to take up activities that made me feel good. Men took notice because I smiled more, dressed in brighter colours, I worked out a lot so my body was toned and sexy and I was happy. I floated around like a butterfly and never allowed myself to be anchored to anyone during any social setting. I enjoyed myself and men were attracted to that.
Nothing is more unattractive to a man then desperation. Dating by desperation turns men and women off. Having a self-imposed clock over your head as you go out searching for a man is a sure way to dry up your dating calendar. Later on last year I found myself dating by desperation. I put up a clock around September and put undue pressure on myself to find someone to date monogamously by December. I did this for a number of reasons, I wanted to be “over it”, I wanted validation that i was still good enough to be someone’s catch (as my friends told me) despite the man who I loved leaving me for someone else, and I wanted to feel like I “moved on” even though my clock (though I didn’t realize it) was holding me back.
Wel, it dried up my dating options faster than a small spill under a bounty paper towel. It sucked but the problem was not the men, it was me. The moment that clock went up in my head, I changed the signal I was sending out and it repelled the guys I wanted and emptied my dating calendar. In desperation, I explored online dating thinking this was a good way to fill up my calendar. Instead I found weird men, men who looked different from their profile pictures, and men who came on too strongly. In frustration I gave up on the online dating and chose to focus on finishing up my semester and enjoying my December. The very month I was secretly dreading since last January.
Lessons learned: Dating out of desperation doesn’t work and men like women who have good things going for themselves.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever dated while desperate? Do you feel a clock over your head? Do you think all men are dogs and the best thing to do is treat them as such?
Speak on it! Let me know what you think.
Talk to you all later 🙂