I’ve been thinking a lot which is understandable considering what I blogged about 3 days ago. He text messaged me last night again wanting to k ow what I was up to. He didn’t text goodnight and I’m ok with that. I’m better off. Instead of thinking about how angry I instead speak positive things about myself to myself. It’s scientifically proven that you believe more of what you say to yourself than what others say to you. So I tell myself how much I love myself, that I’m a good person and that I deserve unconditional love from a man who has his ish together and who is really good looking and available. I have to speak positivity into my situation. I have to give myself love. I feel like I have to treat myself good and keep praying. I will love myself and be confident again.
It’s interesting how a “we shouldn’t be together” turns into a “we are on a break”. Yea well Fuck that! There is no “break”! We are done! I can’t with this disrespectful and rude immature man child. I’m hurt and I can’t lie I’m maf as fuck. I found it surprising that he was calling down my phone yesterday then texts me goodnight at 5:26am this morning. Why are you texting me? What do you want? He went and found a place with the older woman he used to date because she’s working and has good credit. I have good credit but I’m not working so I am of no USE to him. So why should I care and why are you calling to tell me like we are cool? We aren’t. We can’t be friends… ever! And no I will not ease his guilty feelings by being cool with him after he said all that bullshit. I’m angry and the thought of a relationship makes me angry. I’m not mad at other couples though I don’t stare and wish I was them anymore. In fact, the way I feel when I think of a relationship with anyone makes me feel…aversion. The very thought seems repulsive to me. Right now I just want to disappear and be by myself for a while. I literally can’t deal with anyone right now. I just want to be by myself right now.
I’m depressed. There I said it. I lost my job March 3rd 2014 and it’s now May. I was paid a small severance. My boyfriend never lifted a finger to help me. Instead he offered me alternatives that were not alternatives. I’ve struggled with being unemployed. It’s been so hard. He has not been understanding, generous or kind.
His philosophy was I’ll help you if you help me to help you. Things weren’t always like this. We had good times. It’s felt like everything is not good. Unemployed, relationship on the rocks where all we do is fight and all he does is turn his back and dig in his heels. It’s his way or no way. Tonight as I shared how sad I am and depressed he left. Turned his back. He is going to get his money and there is nothing he can do for me. Even threw in a you get what you give out. I am of no use to him. He needs to move out but I have no job so I can’t Co sign. He has a car but wants to use mine but when I say no he gets upset or if I say yes but not quick enough he gets mad. He doesn’t want the headache. We are living two different lives he says. Told me if I want to keep sending out resumes and wonder why I am worried about money then that’s on me. He’s not going to just give me money. Jabs that hurt made me feel lower than I already feel. Made me feel sadder than I already feel. Made me feel rejected. So now he’s gone. Made his case and now he’s gone. Told me he loves me enough to let me go. All I wanted was for him to treat me good. To be there for me. I hung on to someone whose shown me that he doesn’t really give a damn about me if I can’t do something for him and the funny part is he really believes it. He sounds convincing. He has it Al figured out complete with examples.
I feel alone. I felt alone before he called me. I feel alone now. But I also feel rejected. He wasn’t right for me. So why do I still love him? I hate that I love him. I must not love myself. L walked away after he lost his contract. We never fought or fussed about anything and because he lost that big contract his pride and ego were hurt and he faded away. That hurt me so bad I can’t even tell you guys. friends who turned more who because of something that had nothing to do with me turned into nothing. The worst part was when he appeared on Facebook with someone else like I didn’t exist. I didn’t even get a let’s just be friends. Now I take a chance on someone, give so much of myself and he turns around and walks away. I must be stupid. I must not love myself enough. I must not love myself at all. I feel so down. My 1st post in months and it all comes down to this…A sad recount of the past 9 months in a waterfall of tears on my android phone. I’m so stupid. I’m so very stupid. I want love but not like this and I think that’s the problem. I want love. This hurts too much. I’m so tired of being hurt and crying and being sad. I pray to God and I say Thy will be done and I ask and I pray and I ask and I pray. I don’t know what else to do. I literally have no more words to pray about this. I give up. He’s won. I give up completely.
Today I started T25 day 1 and needless to say I had to check the “barely made it” box on my progress chart. I stood there, sweat dripping, heavily breathing, and leaning on the wall like it was my saving grace. With a pen in my right hand and the other holding onto the wall I took a deep sigh and moved between the two boxes. “Barely made it” or Nailed it”. One would be a lie and the other a sad truth. I knew I had gained some weight mainly in my hips and ass but it was the weight creeping on my tummy that finally made me put in the DVD slip on my work out shorts and get to it. “Just do it” I told myself. “Its only 25 minutes. How hard can it be?”.
Well within 5 minutes I was on the floor in the fetal position trying not to vomit up my eggs and turkey from the morning. I marveled how it was so readily available to be vomited out of my system considering I ate it a few hours earlier. “Hmm, my metabolism has slowed down I see” I noted to myself as I willed it to stay down. But this wasn’t going to deter me. I picked myself up and kept going. I wont lie. I had to take several breaks and drink some water a few times. I could barely keep up but I was determined to finish in some way. At one point I even opened the window thinking it will help me not feel so overwhelmed. It worked but I knew it was only a small part on my journey to complete this short 25 minute DVD. So I pressed on.
Finally coming to the end I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see a 1 minute countdown in my life. After the work out is done there is a 2 minute stretch cool down. I barely made it through that! Wow. I guess I am a lot more out of shape than I originally thought.
Final thoughts? This is a high energy, high intensity workout that will take you from 0 to 60 within the first few seconds. I am proud of myself for pushing through even if I had to lie on the ground, hold in my breakfast, take a few water breaks and rest on my knees while Shaun T screamed for me to keep going and not give up!
I reluctantly checked “barely made it”. It was true but I was proud that even though I “barely made it” I still made it in the end. My subsequent shower afterwards felt great. Now time to switch up my diet. No more eggs and turkey. I can still feel it on my chest. I think I should throw it up. My tummy is upset and I feel like its right in my throat. Oh well.
Has anyone tried any of Shaun T’s workout series?
This is good stuff!!!
Saturday the boyfriend bought me a watch. Just out of the blue. I was surprised. Wondering why I was being gifted with this present. The week before was my birthday and he got me something for that so this seemed…out of the blue. I wondered why I was being gifted like that. Was he guilty of something? I know that seems out of the blue but I couldn’t help wondering. Why the sudden gift? He never did that before.
Saturday I net to a comedy show with 2 of my friends. For the most part the comedians sucked. Of the 7 or 8 (I lost count) only 3 were funny. The host was hilarious and I wished he was doing a set instead of some of the comedians who came on stage. Afterwards we went to Sugar Daddies. I hated it. It was packed I was majorly dressed down. They played dancehall for most of the night and it just felt like a grimy little spot. I won’t be going back. Then the boyfriend went MIA. His phone was off.
In fact, his phone has been off majority of the day. I texted no response. I didn’t hear from him till almost 8 pm telling me he turns his phone off because he has been doing some thinking about how he needs to get his shit together and he is chilling by himself but he wanted me to know that’s what he was doing. WTF?
I like consistency. We all have our shit but I don’t like inconsistency at all. WTF does this mean? I HATE when people disappear. Like I really hate it. Why can’t he be consistent for the most part? What the fuck does it mean? I don’t want to stress over it in the least. I’ve been really positive and I don’t want to feel negative about anything or entertain negative thoughts. It bothers me though. We didn’t have a fight. It can’t be because of me. I don’t know.
I havne’t had a new dream in a while. Or maybe I am but I can’t remember them. I’m not sure. I really want to have one…for a while the ones I had were really interesting and fun to look up. Oh well.