So I was talking to a friend who writes a blog on love, sex and replationships and he had a great post telling women about letting go of a bad relationship in order to grow and move on. It inspired me based on a myth he quoted to tabulate a list of the Top 10 Break-Up Myths that gets passed on to the broken hearted as good advice.
1. “Love like you’ve never been hurt”
In theory it sounds great but it never works in reality because everything you experience, good or bad is meant to help you learn and grown. If you stumble your foot on the edge of a raised tile, will you look down and say “I forgive you” then forget that the tile is raised and walk the same path as if nothing happened earlier? Of course not! So why do the same thing when you experience a break up? Why not take the time to note the lesson’s learned so you don’t repeat the same pattern of dating?
2. “Don’t cry over him, replace him with someone else; thats the best way to get over a break up”
I remember hearing this in highschool as I sat at the lunch table and watched my friend, angrily declare she is replacing Nigel with someone else. Her other friends agreed with her. I watched her date others, and emotionally abuse them because she was still angry that Nigel cheated and left her. It never works. Jumping from one relationship to another to get over someone who hurt you or broke your heart only repeats the pattern of hurt because you are not emotionally available to this new person whom you are obviously not over. Take the time to get over the grief, mourn the loss, be angry, sad, and distraught then resolve to do everything in your power to make sure you are stronger because of the experience and Move On.
3. “Just get a F$%# Buddy. Use him/her for sex with no emotional strings attatched then toss them aside when your done. It’s a good way to get over feeling hurt. It works”
I had a few friends tell me this. I listened and wondered why they would suggest such a thing? I was emotionally raw and I knew I was vulnerble to the possibility of catching feelings and ending up hurt because I violated the very rules I put in place. And could I blame him, the F-buddy for being pissed off that I changed the rules midway through? No! So in essence I would have played myself.
This is one lesson I learned by observation as everyone I know who got a “friend” to help them get over a breakup always had drama because either they or the other party caught feelings and now wanted more. Problem is, the other person doesn’t feel the same and/or may have found someone they respect (this is a key word) and want to have a relationship with them because afterall, it was just sex right? Now the person who initiates the F-buddy arrangement is left feeling betrayed and jealous. Sex creates motional ties to the person you are having sex (whether you realize it or not) with and not everyone can see it for what it is (women mainly) and let it be just that.
4. “Just block the hurt out your head and let it go”
In university I thought I found the perfect guy. I ignored multiple red flags about him (including his personality) and proceeded to drive full speed ahead to liking him hard! Well, he strung me along like a hopeless puppy dog and dropped me like a bad habit. I was angry and in my last year of studies. A lot of people gave me this “advice” and I listened until one day a friend walked over to me and asked how I was doing.
I put on my best smile and told her how well I was. She looked at me sternly and told me I was lying and its ok to be hurt because he lied to me and stung me along. My facade melted away quicker then cheap foundation in 100 degree weather and I dropped my head and cried right there. She put her books down and she pulled me aside and told me its ok to be sad and hurt and not to listen to anyone who told me to “get over it”. I had to feel it then let it go. Her words have stayed with me ever since. Give yourself permission to feel it, then tell yourself your going to pick yourself and keep striving to move on. It’s the only real way to get over feeling hurt.
5. “Time heals all wounds”
Who made this up? Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it leaves room for it to fester and turn into bitterness if left untreated. Would you, after falling on that raised tile – because you forgave and forgot it was there – then proceed to sit there and let it bleed out as you covered the area with your hand wishing the fall and pain away? Of course not! You would go wash the area, apply pressure, reach for the polysporin then cover the wound with a bandaid. In essense you would treat the wound so it didn’t get infected, grow gangreen and turn into a much bigger problem then just a gash.
So why do we sit and wait for the pain to go away? It wont. and deep down we know it. It will however turn into an angry memory that will make you bitter and warp your perspective on men (and women), relationships, your ability to be in one and see the warning signs (blaming yourself, putting yourself down and believing any lies that were told to you) and your ability to learn and ultimately move on.
6. “One day we can be friends and look back on this”
Wrong. My ex and I will never be friends. Why? Because he cheated on me, blamed me for everything, and laughed about it as he broke up with me 3 days after finding out my mother had breast cancer which was, by the way, during the week of christmas. There is no way, we can sit down over a coffee, and a donut at Tim Hortons and reminise about it. Never! People reminise about outings, fun engagements, they might even talk about that dumb argument they had about something they have long forgotten but they don’t become friends with and reminise about how they got dumped for someone else after finding out their mother was diagnosed with a deathly disease. No one can be that insane?
When an ex, whose treated you very badly, offers you the olive branch of friendship, what he or she is really saying to you is, I need validation that I wasn’t such a bad person. Your forgiveness and subsequent acceptance of my friendship solidifies this badly needed ego stroke (because you being mad at me is really holding me back mentally even though I know what I did to you was a douche bag thing to do) and it also eases my guilty conscience (I don’t want to live with this label and bad memory – let’s put it to bed so we can move on to something more comfy… like your bed). Reject this false offer of peace. It will mess with your head and you will only end up being the person they run to when they are lonely, need some sex and/or a ego stroke so they can feel like they still got it.
7. “I can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t see it coming”
I thought this too till I looked at it with clearer eyes and realized there were concrete signs almost 6 weeks before the fateful event and other signs weeks earlier then that, that I dismissed as his usual moody behaviour (that he swore he didn’t display though his family always faithfully pointed out). There are always signs that our gut screams to us letting us know something is wrong. We ignore them because we want to be the “good girlfriend”, and “trust” him when he says certain things. Actions speak louder then words but our gut overrules them all. Listen with your ears, eyes, and your gut then put them together because when you combine all of these powerful tools including your brain, often what appears great is really a smoke screen to something much more ugly then what meets the naked eye. Your partner shouldn’t decieve you, but you shouldn’t ignore clear warning signs and help them do it either.
8. My success is the best revenge”
If your only goal is to succeed to show him or her what they missed then you are decieving yourself. What if they don’t notice? What if they don’t care? Or what if, dare I say this, they have gone through their own metamorphisis and are doing well themselves? Will you still feel good about your success? Or will you feel angry and disappointed? I have to put my hand up on this one because I did this with my ex and got ANGRY when it backfired. I saved my money and bought an ipod (32G, better then the one he had), a new blackberry cash, hit the gym hard and turned my slim figure into a toned figure, and perfected my fake smile (I was still devastated inside but learned to hide it well). Like a shark in water, he smelt the blood and contacted me shortly there after and I was happy to let him know of my great success’s including upcoming ones.
He feigned happiness for me then I began hearing about how well he was doing and I became angry. How could God let him be successful after everything he did to me? It blew up in my face and I took 5 steps back when I had made such great strides forward. I was depressed for 3 weeks as my friends helped me pull myself out of it (while I beat myself up for losing precious time and ground on my journey).
If your not doing these things for youself, but doing it to one day show him or her up then you are deciiving yourself and you are allowing them to have a firm mental hold on your life from the comfort of their own lives with their back’s firmly turned to you. Don’t let someone have that kind of precious real estate in your mind. Heart break is as much a mental thing as it is an emotional one. Don’t get caught up in this myth. Any progress you make do it for yourself only.
9. “Keep yourself busy so you won’t think about it”
Sure this works in the short term, and if you work you have to incorporate some of this advice to a small extent but you can’t fill up your schedule with things to do to crowd out the pain from your heart. It will bleed into your work life (I cried many times in the bathroom for no reason other then feeling overwelmed and upset – MAC Cosmetics loved me for the increase in sales I brought them), and your personal life. It won’t go away. At some point you have to stop scheduling, and running away and face it, deal with it accordingly and move on.
10. “I need closure. I just need to talk to him/her”
Bad move. Talking to the offending party, even if they apologize, agree that they are a no good louse and beg for forgiveness won’t bring you peace of mind. Neither will asking for details about the break up like reasons why certain decisons were made. The only true closure you will get is from griving it, accepting it and moving on. The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. When you can reach the point of indifference you will know that you truely have closure and you are ready to move on completely with your life.
Stay blessed my friends. I hope this has helped someone. Tell me your thoughts. Have you heard, followed and given any of these Break Up Myths? Let’s speak on it.
Talk to you all later!