So I’m kinda wavey right now at this bbq so please take what I’m writing for what it is. For the past 2 weeks ive made peace with the break up.  I’ve told myself I can di better than him and all the positive self talk that comes with learning to love yourself more. I even stopped responding to his text messages. I’ve been feeling happy sad if that makes sense. Happy because I have no one to wonder or worry about and sad because I’m single and I still have feelings for him wishing they didn’t exist. I know it’s a normal part of the process of grieving a relationship is over and moving on. I don’t want to talk to anyone else or entertain anyone. Not interested right now. I want to do me. I feel like guys lie and I’m not interested in getting close to anyone in a romantic way at all. The thought repulses me. I know God will send him but not when I’m feeling like this right now. A number called yesterday and I answered because I have a business and I put myself out there. I answered and it was him. A victim of technology where I do t have to memorize numbers plus my ex changes his alot. As you can guess it was him. Told me he misses me has feelings for me still loves me he wants me in his life wants to leave the past in the past and move forward to repairing things. I listened intrigued yet angry all at the same time. When he was done talking I laughed. He hurt me so much by walking away now he’s saying he only wanted a break and he wants me around. I’m disgusted. Yet I still love him. I want a relationship right now but my mental is not right.  I don’t trust guys.  I want the intimacy but I don’t trust the sincerity. I met someone last Saturday who called me today. I practically didn’t recognize him when he called. It was the most boring condo of my life  told him I’d call him back but I don’t want to. I said I would so I will but I don’t want to. I only told him so I can get off the phone. Just straight fuckery.  What am i going  do? Live. Learn. Live. Life.

Till next time.