I’m depressed.  There I said it. I lost my job March 3rd 2014 and it’s now May. I was paid a small severance.  My boyfriend never lifted a finger to help me. Instead he offered me alternatives that were not alternatives. I’ve struggled with being unemployed. It’s been so hard. He has not been understanding, generous or kind.

His philosophy was I’ll help you if you help me to help you. Things weren’t always like this. We had good times. It’s felt like everything is not good. Unemployed,  relationship on the rocks where all we do is fight and all he does is turn his back and dig in his heels. It’s his way or no way. Tonight as I shared how sad I am and depressed he left. Turned his back.  He is going to get his money and there is nothing he can do for me. Even threw in a you get what you give out. I am of no use to him. He needs to move out but I have no job so I can’t Co sign. He has a car but wants to use mine but when I say no he gets upset or if I say yes but not quick enough he gets mad. He doesn’t want the headache. We are living two different lives he says. Told me if I want to keep sending out resumes and wonder why I am worried about money then that’s on me. He’s not going to just give me money. Jabs that hurt  made me feel lower than I already feel. Made me feel sadder than I already feel. Made me feel rejected. So now he’s gone. Made his case and now he’s gone. Told me he loves me enough to let me go. All I wanted was for him to treat me good.  To be there for me. I hung on to someone whose shown me that he doesn’t really give a damn about me if I can’t do something for him and the funny part is he really believes it. He sounds convincing. He has it Al figured out complete with examples.

I feel alone. I felt alone before he called me. I feel alone now. But I also feel rejected. He wasn’t right for me. So why do I still love him? I hate that I love him. I must not love myself. L walked away after he lost his contract. We never fought or fussed about anything and because he lost that big contract his pride and ego were hurt and he faded away. That hurt me so bad I can’t even tell you guys. friends who turned more who because of something that had nothing to do with me turned into nothing. The worst part was when he appeared on Facebook with someone else like I didn’t exist. I didn’t even get a let’s just be friends. Now I take a chance on someone, give so much of myself and he turns around and walks away. I must be stupid.  I must not love myself enough. I must not love myself at all. I feel so down. My 1st post in months and it all comes down to this…A sad recount of the past 9 months in a waterfall of tears on my android phone. I’m so stupid. I’m so very stupid. I want love but not like this and I think that’s the problem. I want love.  This hurts too much. I’m so tired of being hurt and crying and being sad. I pray to God and I say Thy will be done and I ask and I pray and I ask and I pray. I don’t know what else to do. I literally have no more words to pray about this. I give up. He’s won. I give up completely.