Good morning Ladies!!
I wanted to talk to you today about loving yourself in relationships and why being selfless and over giving is the quickest way to kill your relationship.’
“Hi, my name is Bronze and I am a former selfless lover”
I used to think that a good girlfriend meant I had to put myself last and give, give, give to the one I loved. I gave because I thought this was how I could prove my “good” girlfriend worth to this person. I didn’t have role models growing up to show me how to be a woman who loved herself first before she loved her man. You see, my role models were insecure women who ran behind men who didn’t respect them, who had other priorities in life (wealth, cars, job, wife, kids or mistress), who were fine with being in a loveless relationships or marriages because he was a good provider, or being a single mother and “proud”. I always vowed that I would never be like these women, but without concrete guidelines in real life I figured being the opposite should suffice.
I did great throughout high school and university but once I graduated I found myself feeling lonely, and vulnerable because I didn’t have that perfect life I had envisioned would be fall me after graduation and I entered a one-sided relationship with a man. I finally woke up months later after he made me cry when I told him I wanted to see him 3 days after my surgery and he scoffed and accused me of being selfish to his schedule. I am a healthy woman but my body didn’t react well to being cut open and I went from healthy to fragile in a matter of 48 hours, unable to handle even the most innocent of disappointments without it manifesting into a major physical reaction (I once asked my mom if there was any apple juice left and she told me no, the disappointment I felt made me dizzy and weak and I wasn’t even remotely upset about it). That was my shouting wake up call and I promptly dropped him the first chance I got.
I realized I needed to love myself more than what I was willing to put up with so I could say I was in a relationship. I let my loneliness cloud my judgment and I hastily claimed love at the first man who seemed nice. Thats when the examples from the past began to surface. I thought being a good girlfriend meant bending over backwards to show how selfless I was and lost my own identity in the quest to make him happy. If I had loved myself first, I would have dropped him on the first red flag he threw up. After that, I spent 3 months finding out all the ways I loved myself and I radiated it out everywhere I went. I let men show me who they were and believed it which is important because many women make excuses for red flag behaviour. I made myself a priority and didn’t apologize for it.
I wasn’t selfish, I loved myself and by doing so I showed other men the standard they had to achieve in order to be with me. When I met my ex I was this self assured, vibrant woman and he loved it. It shifted a year later when something really bad happened to me and I began to feel like I had to re-pay him for being there for me by being this selfless loving girlfriend who would do anything to be the best girlfriend ever. I gave so much of myself that I lost myself in my quest to make him happy and found myself acting like the very women I grew up to resent from my childhood and I felt like I didn’t know how to stop it even though I knew it wasn’t right.
What are the signs you are a selfless lover?
1. You make compromises but feel that your significant other (SO) isn’t reciprocating
2. You frequently go against what you want in an effort to make him happy even if your miserable for it
3. Your afraid to say no for fear that it will make you look bad
4. You always want to be nice so your admired for what you do thinking this will earn you love points with your SO
5. You believe that taking care of him will earn his loyalty
6. You don’t know how to say “no” in your personal and professional relationships
7. You care what other people think of you and you think that if you say no, they will think less of you and it will make you look bad
8. Your beginning to feel taken for granted because your SO won’t bend over backwards for you the way you do for him
If you recognize at least 5 of these signs as your own then you may be a selfless lover.
Talk to you soon and I hope you have an amazing day! Leave a comment and let me know if this list describes you? Are you a former Selfless lover? How did you overcome it