For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to christmas. I am looking forward to holiday shopping, spending time with family and friends and getting to know new friends. This month is an exciting month for me. And to think it was one year ago when everything changed. My mom’s breast cancer diagnosis was around the corner and we didn’t know it. I was devastated when we found out then devastated again when the ex turned around and left. My christmas was spent in tears with my mom hugging me and telling me its going to be ok and trying to figure out how to turn on my wii and put in my wii play in an effort to get me to get up from my computer chair and move around. Throughout the day, she’d come into my room and ask me if I was ok. I felt like a zombie floating in and out of conscienceness even though I was wide awake the whole time. All I could think about was the person who left me high and dry, wishing they were there, wishing my mother didn’t have a life threatening diagnosis that no one saw coming and wishing that all the laughter and smiles I pictured on christmas day could be my reality. Even remembering it makes me sad. Oh how time has changed so many things.
Its funny, last year I had a tree up and I had presents underneath that I wrapped neatly and proudly – I’m a messy wrapper my presents notoriously have tape all over them and crinkled edges where the wrapping paper should fold neatly. That year I put extra effort and concentration into my wrapping and used less tape (its a 12-step program I was easing my way out of my obesession with too much tape). Then none of it mattered. I hardly remember much other then the emotion and feeling a deep sense of abandonment and “what do I do now, it wasn’t supposed to be this way”. But this year is different.
I don’t have my tree up but it’s not because of the events of last year. I just don’t feel like battling to put it up and trim it. I don’t have as many christmas balls as I want to have and my tree always, to me looks like it needs more balls and garland even though everyone else thinks otherwise (do you see a pattern with excess and christmas themes). I am thinking that I should just put the garland up around the windows then put up a wreath and thats it. Not to mention that there isn’t any snow on the ground yet which I AM NOT complaining about. Having said all of that I am super excited for this month. I think this christmas and the month of December as a whole is going to be really good.
Till next time everyone 🙂