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A few nights ago my friend ‘A’ explained why her status updates seemed so grim. She and her bf are no longer together. The same night she called, happy that she over heard him referring to her as his girlfriend, they went to the club and his ex girlfriend showed up as well. As ‘A’ and a mutual acquaintance sat by, my friend watched the ex girlfriend slither around her man and she watched as he kept his eye on her every movement. ‘A’ is not one to hold her tongue so she pulled him aside and confronted him about his weird behaviour, the ex girlfriend and his shady comments (I can’t remember the details of what he said that pissed her off). Well, the disagreed about it in the car and she told him it’s over. He became apologetic and she didn’t want to hear it. After she dropped him home, he calls her and tells her his phone is in her car. So, she went through it and found blackberry messages between he and the ex, that night bbm’ing each other back and forth. The ex asked if it was ok for her to come over and say “hi” because she didn’t want to offend his girl. He replied, it was ok because ‘A’ was NOT his girl. I dropped my jaw. Just a few hours earlier he was stuttering out an admission that she was his girlfriend, fast forward later on that night,  when asked by his ex girlfriend that he claims he had no feelings for her denies her outright.

I was shocked because I couldn’t believe she had the evidence right there in black and white complete with time and dates right there in front of her. I knew deep down he was not acknowledging my friend publically but instead using her for a convenience, I didn’t think he would trip up this way, though I always knew it was only a matter of time. After a brief moment of not speaking to each other, they are now communicating but she is dating other people. Through all her tough talk that “men ain’t shit, and all men cheat so she is going to play them”, beneath it all was a women who is pretty hurt and angry that she has been taken advantage of. It sucks. I wish a lot was different for her (and I want the best for her) but she’s an adult and she has to make her own decisions.

So I listened, and tried to make her feel better as best as I can. I figured listening was the best thing I could do so I let her vent and speak. Sometimes that’s better then layin gout a truck load of advice.  Its interesting though, I’m not as sensitive to hearing stories of being cheated on as much as I was before. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a bit. I know how she feels to a certain extent and its hard to hear that my friend so hurt. When all is quiet and your left to your own thoughts there are a lot of feelings that can bubble up to the surface. Silence is deafening and your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes. I want the best for her in so many ways but she has to want those things for herself first. I’ll be there for her when she needs me. She knows that.

I write this because I know there is someone reading my blog who is going through or has gone through what I just describe with my friend ‘A’. I want you to know, that even though you may be in the midst of blaming yourself, this is not entirely your fault. You are not a Jedi mind trick master able to influence and control the thoughts and actions of another human being. Everyone makes their own choices and ideally we want our partner whom we share our life and love to make decisions that takes into consideration our best interests along with their own. Love is a two-way street. You can only control yourself, your thoughts, and your actions. As hard as this may sound, this too shall pass. It’s not a mistake, it’s a learning experience and the good news is, through reflection and a lot of self-analysis this, in time, will become a tool that you can use to weed out the men who will do the same. Experience is the best teacher. Learn from this, most importantly grow from it and move on. You have no choice. Everyday that passes is a day more away from the completion of that situation. Time doesn’t stand still because your heart is broken! Thank God for that because who would want to be stuck in that moment in time? So as time marches on so must you.

Take the time to feel the pain, and go through all the stages of grief and hurt. It sucks a lot. I’ve been there and I can tell you when it hurts it hurt so bad that some days I wasn’t sure if I could survive the next minute let alone the next hour but I did and I am here. Time does heal all wounds but it’s what you do with that time that can influence how well you heal or how ugly your scars become. Just as no man has any right to maim your body, so no man has the right to scar your heart. Remember life is about choices and you can only influence your own. Don’t let the inevitable anger that comes with a break up and the pain that follows along with it cause your hurt to turn into an ugly scar that you wear on your sleeve for every one to see and pay for. transferring that pain and hurt onto the next man as a way to make him pay for the wrongs of your ex is not the way to go about healing your hurt. Its tempting but its the quickest way to ensure that in time you get your own karma. Resist that temptation and use your anger and pain constructively.

Talk to someone you can trust, a friend, a pastor, or someone else in your family or community. Don’t be a soldier for hurt. Nothing good comes from keeping your pain inside and putting on a fake face acting like you don’t feel anything and your don’t care. That’s the quickest route to an aneurism, mental breakdown or worse. I know someone who kept her pain in for years. Her pain was for the various relationships that failed. She died in her sleep at a young age. She was healthy. Moments before she fell asleep she was asked to talk about her pain, she said no, she’s fine. She never woke up. Life is too short and precious to waste it by carrying around stress and despair so you can act like nothing is wrong. Just like no man should be allowed to maim your body and heart, he should also never be allowed to take your life either.

I hope this helps and if you are going through something and want to talk leave me a comment.

Take care everyone.