It’s no lie that I miss being in a relationship and even though I have accepted that I am not currently in one, I know it doesn’t mean I will never be in one. When I think about being in a relationship I think about him (the ex) and it disgusts me. But it was my last reference for when I felt secure and loved so my subconcious mind goes there and reflects these references back to me whether I like it or not. You see, “we” used to go everywhere (God I can’t believe I’m admitting this but I guess I need to get it off my chest) together and I loved being in “his” (I’m using quatations around his references because who he was was not who he really represented himself to be) presence.
“He” gave me a (false now that I look back on it) sense of security and I felt safe. Spring and Summer were easier to be single because everyone is out and about enjoying the weather and its easy to be happy and feel great. There is so much to see and do but now its fall and winter is just around the corner it’s almost as if this is the time for you to be warm with someone else. It doesn’t help that it’s gotten cold and there is less sun outside.
As I think about it I have to admit that I have forgotten how to be single in the fall and winter because for the past 3 years I didn’t have to be and I thought I would never be again. Yet here I am, but I know I am not alone. I can’t wait to see what is around the corner but it’s scary because it’s new and unknown and I think I am still grappling with that.
So when I think about relationships, sometimes I begin to remember the places we went, the events we attened and the family events we went to. I don’t want to remember him or anything about that completed relationship but I am confident this too shall pass. So please forgive me if it comes up again in another post. Right now I need the therapy. I know that I have to look things in the eye, and move on in order to truely be free of it. It’s a formula that has worked for me so far.
So why do I still wonder what he is doing, or if he still thinks about me???? I don’t want to be with him yet I wonder these things. Why? If anyone out there knows please let me know. Every dream I ever have of him is me telling him NO when he asks to talk to me and NO to a friendship and NO to getting back together. That’s another thing I want to stop. It bother’s me. I don’t want him in my thoughts or dreams so why is he there?