These past few days have been busy because I am knee-deep in an assignment. I really want to get it done before the deadline so my partner and I are working diligently to do so.
Just a few days ago I was talking with someone who told me I was kind of off. They were right. I felt kind of off. So I talked to them about how I was feeling and what has been going through my mind. They listened then asked me a question that threw me off a bit, “whats your favorite cake”. I blinked a few times then responded “Pineapple upside down cake”. Truth is I LOVE this cake so much. Brings back memories of holidays and family gatherings where my aunts would line the kitchen with tasty dishes and delectable deserts – all made from scratch. What more could a group of bad little children want at the family gatherings (besides each other as partners in crime)?
He then asked me how long it takes to bake and I responded about 20 minutes. He then asked me what happens if it’s taken out too early and I told him it won’t taste good. He asked what happens if it’s taken out too late and I responded the same. He told me to picture myself as this cake and estimate how finished I might be. I wasn’t sure. He looked at me for a moment and replied that I am about 18 minutes in. He then told me that clinical experts say one should wait at least a year before entering the dating market again. I have been thinking of that.
I look at my progress so far and where I want to be. My goal is to live well and apart of living well is continuously improving myself and evolving closer to where I want to be. I know I want to date and I want to put myself out there but there is a part of me that feels like deep down I need more time. I knew that before he suggested that I am like an upside down cake that’s almost ready to come out the oven. He just helped me see that. In some ways I am a bit of an introvert. I love people and I love going out and meeting people and getting involved in life but too much stimulus makes me yearn to retreat and re-charge my batteries a bit because I find the process of putting myself out there draining after a while.
So maybe he is right. Maybe I am right…I think we are both right. I can feel myself yearning for some re-charge time. Needing that re-charge time. Sometimes I feel sad because I’ve come to the realization that my vision for what would happen in a relationship that I thought was what I wanted is not going to happen. I don’t want to be with him, please don’t take that from this admission. I say it because I am a planner and I thought, “our” plans were going to come true. I believed someone who didn’t mean what they said and I accept that. I don’t blame myself for that or look back and ask myself what I was thinking and why didn’t I see the signs. I accept it for what it was. Now I’m ready to stop looking back and move forward.
I think I am reflecting because its fall and these months remind me of where I was last year. I just got the job I have now and I was waiting to start in 2 weeks. I was “happy” but it was not what I expected or thought. A apart of me wonders how I will feel on “our” former “anniversary” that’s coming up soon. I know he remembers too. I’m sure a part of him remembers and reflects too from time to time. Or maybe I am wrong and he doesn’t but from what people have told me he does. Either way it’s not important. I’m ready to look forward and when I look it’s a bit scary because its unknown. I know what I want.
Back to my assignment.
Talk to you all