I sat the other night and listened to my friend ‘A’ gush about her new boyfriend status and I wondered if I was listening to a friend in high school and I worried for her. She has been dating this guy for over a year and a half. He gives her the title of “his girl” to everyone else who will listen but he doesn’t tell her. Finally the other night in the car as they both got ready to drive to the east end of the city she over hears him telling a friend that he can’t have his girlfriend drive out of her way to pick him up (they were all going to the same place). She told me how she smiled to herself about it then waited till he was off the phone to ask him “what they were”. He paused and seemed a bit defensive as he told her that everyone calls her his girlfriend so then she is. She smiled about it and accepted this as an indication that they are official.
I cringed throughout the story. Here is a guy who is around 30 years old and he can’t even come to the girl he loves, shares her car with and sleeps with and tell her I want you to be my girlfriend, I want to be official with you. It shows me that he lacks maturity and the personality traits that allows him to relate to the women he claims to love. I don’t think he is good for her at all but I won’t interfere. She knows how I feel and I wish she would open her eyes and see how she is being used by him. It just doesn’t seem like a foundation for a solid relationship if you don’t know where you stand even when clarification is requested, there isn’t a solid yes or no in either direction. She wants and believes in that “Ghetto Love” myth.
My friend isn’t black but she consider’s herself black because she was raised around black people her whole life. I understand that she relates to Black Culture and feels that she understands but I don’t think “Ghetto Love” is possible. They are an oxymoron in itself. I don’t think a man can act in a thugish way, (having a job that is not a solid 9-5 or his own thriving business opting rather to hustle by selling drugs, acting hard all the time, regularly using drugs etc) and still treat you like a lady and do things that jeopardizes your relationship security and threatens your union together. It’s not possible and I cringe when I see some of my friends chasing this elusive unicorn in the sky. They always tell me that this one is different but it always turns out the same way. They thumb their noses down at the idea that a relationship with a man who is not hustling, living an unstable lifestyle or acting hard in some way as boring.
Yet they want certain aspects of that boring lifestyle, a man who considers his womans feelings and interests when he makes decisions, a man who is a provider, an affectionate partner, a good father etc. But they want this and a man who hangs his pants low, has no stable job, does illegal things because he “has to”, has about 5 children that he is not taking care of but they expect him to take care of the child they have because they are in a “relationship” with him, he has no real plan in life and is just winging everything as it comes as he “goes with the flow”.
I simply don’t understand and there is nothing I can do about it. I recently came upon some Black Women Empowerment (BWE) links that I thought about sharing with her since she says she identifies with the Black Women’s struggle. I hear her saying things like, “n*** aint shit” or “N*** are all the same there is nothing you can do about it” and I know she definitely can benefit from the bountiful and rich information on these blogs and websites. They teach BW (Black Women) to take back their power and avoid DBR men (damaged beyond repair men). They help you identify who these men are by their patterns of behaviour and thought process (who by the way are found in every race) and how to avoid them and the people who enable them. My ex was a DBR mixed race Indian man so I know they are certainly right when they say this. By the way, I hate the N word with a passion!! I cringe every time she says it and I feel myself becoming angry when I hear it because I don’t think anyone should use that word period. But it’s her mouth and I’m not her mother.
Here are some of the links
Sojourner’s Passport http://sojournerspassport.com/
Muslim Bushido http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/
Black Female Interracial Magazine *Her essays are well thought out and her knowledge is bountiful
Talk to you all soon!