I didn’t have such a great day at work and I couldn’t wait for 5 pm today. So as the clock ticked down and approached 4:55 pm I logged onto Facebook and saw that a high school friend just had twins with her husband. They had been married for about 2 or so years and these are their first babies. I was happy for her. As I looked at her cutie, patootie babies I started reminiscing about how much I liked her as a person back than, and how happy I was that she found love. As the thought lingered and I read all the congratulations on her page I started thinking about the fact that we were the same age and all almost all the people I knew from high school and elementary school were married, or married with children and I suddenly started thinking about myself and my own hopes, desires, and dreams.
I want to have a family, I want to marry the one for me and enjoy that time together than become first time parents with them. I want to have the house or condo (working on that one), the car (have that already), the engagement, the wedding, the marriage, the children. I started feeling bad about where I was in my life which ultimately snowballed into the ex and all the broken promises, dreams and hopes that went down the toilet almost 1 year ago. I started replaying things he had once said, did, and began analyzing things that happened. It was crazy! I had to stop and say this is ludicrous! I can’t replay things, analyze and look for “where it all went wrong” and use that to beat myself up and launch a new blame game onto myself.
I don’t want to be with him anymore the way I did back in January till June of this year. The rose-coloured image of him that replays in my mind is not accurate. It is not who he really is but rather what I saw when I was with him which was not who he really was. The facade he played was appealing and I fell for it. But I don’t want to be with him. I choose me. If you ask me if I still love him I don’t know what I would tell you. But I do know that I am not in love with him anymore. He sketchy, ass clown behaviour in May shown me why that had to stop and I could no longer be “in love” with someone like that.
Now I know what I want. I know what my boundaries are and I know where I stand on things that I am looking for. I didn’t have that before. I didn’t know where I stood on things and I was a “go with the flow” type of girl who wanted everything right and perfect. I think that helped put me in a vulnerable position ripe for someone to come along and take advantage of me. Feed me the perfect picture, than string me along because once you had me I’d “go with the flow” and hope that it all would work out in the end. The whole time, my eyes would be closed, smiling at the rosey picture fed to me earlier on when everything was perfect.
Now I just have to find that person. I know reality t.v is not a role model and I totally get that but I just finished watching THS Bethenny Frankel and to see all that she went through getting dumped on tv by a guy he she had her hopes and dreams in than finding love a year later was really touching. It was nice to see that.