Remember when I made a post September 12th (http://wp.me/p1JYnI-4M) cautioning women to choose to love themselves and their children (if they have any) before the love for a man who does not reciprocate? Well, yesterday I came home to news that a family friend whose husband has been back and forth for months to Jamaica to be with his mistress had received devastating news, her grand daughter had collapsed and suddenly stopped breathing. Her mother, a twin daughter of the family friend was screaming frantically on the front lawn as ambulance crews worked feverishly inside to bring make her daughter start breathing again. They rushed her to the hospital than transferred her to Sick Kids where she is unconcious and breathing with the help of a ventilator.
The family friend is Jamaican and they believe that her husband has gotten himself involved with someone who is bent on keeping him from his family up here. I’d think that would be obvious by now since he hasn’t been in the country for more than 3 weeks all year. They believe that his mistress has gone to a Voodoo/Obeah person (the practice of dark black magic to harm and kill those its inflicted on) who is now trying to kill his family off or just his wife so he will stay in Jamaica with his mistress. A few months ago, the wife, suddenly fell very ill (which puzzeled everyone because she is in perfect health) now her granddaughter (who was in perfect health as well) and is now gravely ill with no explainable reason puzzeling the doctors treating her.
The husband doesn’t hide that this woman exists. When winter comes around he suddenly has this great urge to go down there and he has been doing this now for a few short years (I’m guessing maybe the past 2). Lately, it has progressed to not only Christmas but almost all year round. Her youngest children, a son in his late teens and a daughter in university have decided to leave home because they do not understand why she stays with a man who disrespects her by living such a blatent double life. Her son, very recently got involved in some criminal activity because of the company he keeps and is currently incarcerated as an accessory to robbery. Wow talk about a lot to deal with right now. I wondered the same questions as her children but it’s not my place to ask those kinds of questions so I kept them to myself.
I have my own seperate beliefs regarding their suspicians about how these sudden illnesses have befallen their family. I don’t want to judge her but I don’t understand why she stays. Her children are grown, she has a good job and a nice house but she holds onto him even though its apparent that he doesn’t want to be with her. He has spent months at a time out of the country only to return for a few short weeks to tend to his ill wife, than leave again. Now there are all these weird and serious things happening all at once with her son, and now her grand daughter.
This is why I urge you ladies to choose yourself and your children or if you don’t have children your future children before the love of a man who is showing you with his actions ( a very important note) right now that he does not love and respect you. We all have heard the saying “love is blind” and we think that means it’s blind to all the other person’s faults but it’s not true. In order for love to be true love, you don’t have to go into it, close your eyes and be blind to what’s happening right before you. A man will always show you what he is about if you pay attention. People can only hide their true selves for so long before it comes out in their actions and how they treat you and other people around them. The moment their actions do not match their words, it is not your responsibility to make excuses for them and dismiss their behaviour. It is your responsibility to make sure that you protect your heart by not closing your eyes, putting your head in the sand and pretending their actions and words from the beginning of the relatinship should cover the blatently opposite actions and words they are giving you right now. That’s how you get blindsided by seriously bad behaviour like cheating, lying, another wife, family, or disrespectful behaviour.
When you subscribe to the “love is blind” mentality what normally happens is one person is totally blind in love while the other person has their eyes open making decisions that are best for themselves all while showing you clear signs where their head is and what they are thinking. Avoid being blindsided because you were in love and open your eyes and ask yourself important questions about the person you are dating, seeing, or in a relationship with. Listen to your gut which always tells you when something is off. It gives you a small poke to make you perk up and start paying attention. Just because you can’t see with your eyes what the potential problem is doesn’t mean the problem is not there. If you rely on your concious mind to tell you everything that is happening around you because you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell what’s around you, you will miss important messages from your subconcious mind thats giving you the bigger picture as it sits in the background taking in the subtle nuiances from the people and things around you. It builds a picture and forming an important impression that you need to pay attention to.
I have learned many times, the very hard way why listening to my gut is important. I dismissed my gut so many times especially at the end of my prior relationship and I look back and I can see and tell you when the cheating started because the flags were there. Cheating and other forms of defective character flaws start before the act takes place. It begins emotionally and mentally in the other party as an idea, than turns into a decision. Once that decision is made their behaviour begins to change and they move into a holding period waiting for the right opportunity and circumstances to turn their decison into an act.
Us women are blessed with the ability to pick up on these subtle changes in the form of our gut saying, “hold on, something is different about you. What is the difference and what has caused it?” Of course when asked, if the other party wants to hide it because they don’t have the maturity to tell you their feelings than they will lie and say “nothing is wrong”. But you ever notice that even if they give you a pacifying response, your gut still comes back and says “nope, something is still wrong?“. That’s because their response placates our concious mind but not our subconcious mind which is still picking up on the differences, noting it and alerting us that the danger is still there. Once they have made their decision its now a waiting period for the right oportunity and circumstances to come along and make it worth while for them to act on it.
A big red flag that is often ignored is how your significant other treats their co-workers, and strangers on the street. If they treat them disrespectfully but act nicely towards you, thats a big red flag and you should distance yourself from that person as soon as possible. Their niceness towards you is not an indication of how special you are nor is it an excuse for their bad behaviour towards other people. Eventually that behaviour, should you do something that they don’t like will easily be extended to you.
The ex, who didn’t like his female co worker for various reasons, treated her meanly and went out of his way to be cruel with little care to how blatent his actions were and how they made her feel. That was a big red flag. I asked him why, if he had such a big problem with her, didn’t he just say something to her instead of going out of his way to be so mean and cruel. He shrugged and told me he didn’t care how it made her feel or how it looked. A few months later, the same cruelty I saw in his eyes when he spoke about her, was the same cruelty I saw in his eyes (which shocked me) when he was blaming me for everything and telling me goodbye.
Ladies, we have to vet potential suitors and set reinforceable boundaries that should they be crossed automatically dismisses that person from the dating pool. Boundaries are there for a reason. If we allow people to step over those boundaries once (cheating, lying, hiding important information about themselves than being caught, being abusive, not keeping their word, disappearing for long stretches of time, hiding a wife or family, stealing etc) than they will do it again because you have shown them that your boundaries are flexible and can be easily trampled upon.
This is why we must vet! Vetting is when you evaluate if the other person is the right person for you. The parameters of your vetting have to be based on sustainable things such as values, and morals, things that you were raised with as a child. Vetting parameters can’t be based on tangible things like cars, chemistry, spark, looks and other fleeting things. A lot of times people get caught up in the “connection” aspect and forget that this is a fleeting parameter. It only lasts for so long. When it wears off you are left with a view of the real person and if you didn’t vet them accordingly to find out if they match your values and morals l than you will be in a situation where you can either cut your loses and move onto the next person and rinse, lather and repeat, or stay and try to make the best of it to make it work.
Until you stop and re-evaluate what your criteria is when vetting a man and stop vetting based on income, looks, a love for sports etc and you make a decision to set your boundaries and re-affirm them should they be crossed, than you will constantly encounter the same issues with the same type of man.
Till next time.