I’m a chatter box today I know. Anyhow, I was wondering something the other day about celibacy and the effects it has on your judgment and ability to make better decisions in love. In this day and age when sex is in your face no matter where you go; the movies, the soaps (faking at its worst – oh my gosh), commercials, the computer, your friends, school, work (sometimes more sex than work happens at work!), music, it’s everywhere! No wonder we all can’t get it out of our heads. I kinda count myself lucky in that I am an 80’s baby and I got to watch cartoons and kids shows that were actually kid friendly. There was no such thing as adult cartoons after 10 pm on Teletoon, and no sexual references in the shows I watched (at least that I was aware of).
I also had parents who made sure they were cognizant of everything I watched and listened to thanks to my much older brother who was rebellious and did everything in his power to “buck the system”. So I got to be a kid till puberty hit and suddenly boys, who were only good for winning races and games against suddenly became confusing crushes and dare I say, “cute”. LOL I was a huge tomboy so it really confused me to suddenly like the boy’s that just 1 week prior I was proud to brag that my fast ball nearly harmed they’re now handsome little faces at the soft ball game. Oh those hormones! lol
And so it continues into adulthood. How many times have we seen that handsome guy who’s just our type and suddenly forget all reason and all sense of time? Ladies, let’s be real about this for a small second shall we? We have all met or happened upon that handsome guy in the suit, that handsome guy in the jeans that handsome guy wearing whatever, smelling like a cologne that you’ve never heard of or smelt before but it doesn’t matter because the scent is now emblazoned on our brains along with every inch of his image? Tricky little brain isn’t it? Smell is one of our strongest senses and is intricately tied into forming our memories. It’s like natures way of locking the image of these hot men into our brains forever! Not to mention the release of dopamine, serotonin and other feel good, lock and load hormones that helps seer it all in! Hot man burned in forever.
Our brains love anything that releases dopamine so we “long” to see that hot guy again, go as far as to stalk the last known place that we seen him, ask around and maybe (for those of us stalker-ishly inclined) re-arrange our days so we can recreate the same circumstances so we can “stumble upon him again”. It’s really all tied into sex. If you think about it, you don’t look at a hot guy and think. “Man, he’s probably a loyal friend, with an IQ of 1200”. No! We think he’s hot, with a nice ass, a nice looking package under those jeans or slacks and we might even imagine that he’s a boxer, brief, or boxer-brief type of guy. We fall into his eyes and allow our senses to be carried away in the cologne he is wearing if he is close enough for us to inhale his scent (yes, I said inhale lol don’t sit and say you take small wiffs!). We imagine our hands roaming through his hair, all over his “rock hard body” (we actually don’t really know if it really is rock hard and toned as it seems) and doing all sorts of sexual things as well as allowing him to fulfill all our sexual fantasies. *shrugs* Its human nature, this is what we do. Don’t for a second think a man is not looking at a hot woman imagining her bouncing up and down, tiites flying everywhere on his crotch as the lady in question screams in ecstasy! Or he’s imagining the womans head bobbing up and down in his lap.
I wouldn’t feel guilty about it. But what if you have taken a vow of celibacy? What does that mean for the person taking the vow?
A good friend of mine shared that she is abstaining from sex with her husband because they only thing that they do together well is having sex. Other than that she is not fulfilled or happy in her marriage. Sex is their only bonding experience so she took it off the table in order to “reconnect” with her husband, and figure out if they are good together or if they should separate for good. She learned a lot about herself and what she wanted. She said her celibacy led her to her own epiphany about her relationship, what she wants, helped her realize the common patterns that leads to her most common mistakes with her husband and where she should go from here. It got me thinking.
I guess I can say I am celebate because I choose not to have a FWB even though I could if I wanted and I’ve even had friends suggest I get one to help me in my process or journey from heartbreak to love again. I don’t want to be that person. I think my sexuality is sacred and I don’t want to break off a piece to everyone and anyone who comes by who makes small promises and reaps big rewards. I want to be clear minded and level-headed when it comes to choosing the people I date and eventually enter into a relationship with. I know what I want, casual sex is not one of those things. So I watch as my friends enter these kinds of relationships that turns into a relationship and I wonder if the sex as much as the companionship and eventual feelings that develop because of those factors contributed to their new relationships.
I don’t want to enter into a back door relationship with someone as a sex friend, develop feelings and hope they upgrade me to girlfriend status just because we’ve been having sex and now one or both of us has caught feelings. I want to enter into a relationship having gotten to know that person first before sex comes along and complicates things. Sex for women endears the woman to the man, sex for men, when they are not in love with the woman, downgrades her value in his eyes and he eventually loses respect for her. Even if he develops feelings, how quick will most men be to upgrade their sex friend to a girlfriend if he could get sex from her so quickly? Where has her mystery gone? What makes her so special? It can’t be because she can do it face down, on the top of her head with her ass up? It’s not because she can blow him so good he momentarily blacks out and see’s naked fairies everywhere cheering him on. No. Sex is no guarantee to a relationship. I’ve seen it confuse things with people, cloud the girls judgment and leave her stressed and wondering where she stands 3 months into being his sex buddy!
Sex can feel great during the moment but afterwards the questions and eventual feelings that arise afterwards is not something I want to deal with.
Have you ever been celibate and used it to figure out what you want out of your future relationships? Have you don the opposite and had success in your relationship? Did it lead to marriage? I’d love to hear everyone’s thought’s on this issue. Have you used Sex to reach your Nirvana?