SoI mentioned earlier about my friend A and her taking to the liquer a bit too much last night. Well she revealed something to me which surprised me as much as it didn’t surprise me. She might be pregnant. I’m a huge advocate of marriage before children. In fact, I was excited to read about the No wedding no Womb campaign started on the BWE blogs a while back because I believe children should be raised with two loving and capable adults. Single motherhood is hard and why should a woman bare the burdon of being a provider and nurturer without the aid of the man who got her pregnant. NwNw is in place so that women will make better choices about who they choose to father their children with and also choose marrige instead of being someone’s baby mother. Marriage, to the right person provides security, love and a healthy environment to raise a child who will have all they need to become a productive member of society.
‘A’ has been seeing a guy who I think is all wrong for her. She got out of a bad relationship in 2009 filled with physical abuse, emotional unhealthy behavior and illegal activity and entered an emotionally immature and unavailable relationship soon afterwards, I’d say about a few months give or take. She had just shaken her feelings (or so she says) for the abusive ex boyfriend but she was not emotionally ready to enter a new relationship with someone else. She did anyway. That’s why I am such an advocate of taking time to fully heal from a breakup. Take the time to stop caring about what the ex is up to, feeling sad and blaming yourself for every little thing that has gone wrong in the relationship. Its important to take the time to rediscover your beautiful, vibrant, healthy and happy self then work on making it stronger. Its important to ask yourself vital questions like, “what do I want in the next partner I choose?” , “what are my boundaries and what are my deal breakers”. Without taking the time to sit down and think about these answers, but rather rush into a new relationship with someone else without establishing your groundwork, is a recipe to repeat the past. Same deal different package or at best bad deal different package.
For instance you might say, I’m not going to date the bad boys anymore, I want the corporate type with a good 9-5 job, stock options and investments; the kind of man I can bring home to mom but if you don’t set your boundaries and decide what types of behaviors you will or will not tolerate, and determine what your deal breakers are, you very well may find yourself with a corporate man with all of the above who has bad boy tendancies (emotional unavailability, ass clown tendancies, cheater, liar, swindler) in an expensive Armani suit. Same deal different package. A man is a man which you can find anywhere but what separates men from your typical man child (adult male with childish mentality) is the content of their character, the strength and quality of their values, and the ideals they were raised with.
In any case, I don’t think my friend A took the time to thoroughly figure this out and found herself with a DJ who has a suspended license which meant she had to drive him everywhere, and no real concrete commitment from him. She admits in the first year of their relationship she was unavailable emotionally and so was he but now they were comfortable with each other and could be the couple she wanted. Insert blank, blinking stare here.
So last night as she rounds the corner and I take a look at her I’m shocked at how much weight she has put on mainly in the tummy area. Her breasts are huge and I couldn’t help but notice how much it looks like she is pregnant. Now even though she is slim she had a small little pouch on her tummy. Well if your pregnant that pouch will turn into a noticeable baby bump which is what she had last night.
As we sit there and she is throwing back the alcohol she leans in and whispers that she might be pregnant and I pull away and give her a blank look that soon morphed into a “oh really?”. She said they had been practicing unprotected sex and she heard through mutual friends that he was actively trying to get her pregnant. I wondered what kind of man he was that he would actively try to get someone pregnant without actively trying to tell her they were an exclusive couple even though he acted that way and actively try to marry her before he put that bun in the oven.
As I diverted my attention to the MC I began going over everything I knew of him thus far, the controversy with him and an ex gf who was sniffing around a few months ago, the fact that he still has no license and is not actively trying to get one, and the fact that he acts exclusive but hasn’t really had that conversation with her yet. The fact that he still lives at home and a myriad of other things that has always unnerved me and the rest of her friends.
Now add that he is actively trying to be a father without being a husband first. It all disgusted me and made me wonder how and why she could be so dumb as to not protect herself from a pregnancy that she says she doesn’t want and be with someone like that.
She ran away from a man who verbally and physically abused her and coupled up with a man who is emotionally unavailable and still mentally immature. She likes the bad boys who are rough and in her words have that special “umpfh” to them. This guy doesn’t participate in illegal activity but he does nothing in the way of providing and fulfulling his role as a man when he is using my friend as a chauffeur service, a baby maker and a companion to accompany him to the club every weekend.
I feel like I am watching a train wreck happening that I can’t stop. So I sit back and hope and pray that she doesn’t go too far off the rails and it all end in carnage. I think about how this makes her look, how she is jeopardizing her future plans to go to Interior Design school in January. But its her life and her choices. Though I love her I’m going to emotionally distance myself from this train wreck happening between two consenting adults. I’ve tried talking to her, we’ve all tried but she is in love and won’t see it any other way. I’ll still be there for her no matter what but I don’t want to be sucked into the side show that is turning into her life. I feel like I’m watching a bad soap opera that she should know better (and does know better) than to be in but is willingly walking into
Do you know someone who is flying by the seat of their pants in a relationship that everyone can see is a disaster? Are you in a relationship like this? Tell me your thoughts!