I wasn’t having much of a good day.
I woke up not wanting to go to work and be around my co workers who are super dull. I’m the youngest one in the office and they are all over 36 up to 48 years old which is fine but the two 36 year olds might as well be 48 as well. I feel like a baby there so I keep majority of my thoughts to myself and wait till my lunch so I can be myself and enjoy people who are my own age.
Coupled with the fact that my jaw is still sore I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone at all. So I stayed quiet the whole day. But I had something else going on underneath the surface. Deep down inside I was turning over the concept I heard on tv this morning from Joyce Myer’s where she preached on accountability and taking responsibility for your part in a bad or soured relationship. Well you know who I thought of right away. Truth of the matter was, I had subtly began the blame game again, blaming myself and the ex for what happened up until this point.
It began with one thought after watching TLC’s 4 weddings, saturday afternoon and noting how the relationship between one bride and her groom almost mirrored mine exactly, right down to the race of the couple. I wondered to myself if I was more vibrant like her (as if I am not already) maybe he would have “stayed”. Notice the word stayed. That was a seed that germinated over that hour into feeling jealous of their union, jealous of how he looked at her with love and admiration, jealous of how pretty she was and how handsome he was. I kept picturing the ex as him and her as me and I couldn’t shake it but I continued to watch anyway. Are you noting my mistakes as I type this? I didn’t have to continue watching that show, but I did because my dashed dreams were playing out in front of my eyes with someone else and like a train wreck I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I’m not blaming myself again but I am outlining it so that if there is someone else out there who has done or is doing the same thing they too can wake up and realize the effect this will have on them before it gets a chance to take root and begin the cycle of blame or make it worse.
When the show was over I continued sitting there and thinking. I walked away to the kitchen and thought about it some more. I pushed it out of my mind, woke up the next morning and thought about it some more and then began to put a spin on it. I became angry because what I wanted or thought I had with this person was gone and I got angry that now I had to begin the arduous task of finding someone else. But if he had just stopped and not cheated on me (can you believe I was saying this?) and realized that he had a good woman, than we too could someday, have the same happy beginning to a life together. I must have been high on the APO-Amoxi pills the doctor prescribed for me because I believed it and felt down about it. I then spiraled into thinking about the girl he cheated on me with, wondering what she looked like, seething that he told her everything about me yet I know nothing about her (he confessed this to me-why I don’t know), cursing her existence and hating him for it. Hating him for lamenting that they couldn’t be together (what a douche bag thing for him to say to me) right in my face looking like he just lost his lucky ball cap, and finally being angry at myself for accepting his friendship when I knew better. I accepted it because I thought maybe this was his way of getting back together with me. I was hoping and I missed him terribly.
So when Joyce laid it all out clearly and urged the audience to take accountability for their part in the demise of a relationship I asked myself if I could do that and stubbornly said no. I was holding onto the hurt I built up over the past 3 days because I felt justified. I was holding onto my right. Yet it was costing me my ability to move forward; something I desperately wanted. But this was my wake up call, in fact it was my second one in 2 days. Yesterday my friend R listened to me recount all the ways he hurt me on the phone as I prattled on about it, then calmly asked me if I was ready to let it all go. She pointed out that its irrelevant who the other woman was, how they came to meet or what transpired between them. She told me I need to let it go if I want to move on and I can’t truly date anyone if I don’t do that. She was right. I want to move on yet here I was taking 5 steps back when I had already put this to bed…or so I thought.
The other woman always bothered me because she existed. Yet if it wasn’t her, it would undoubtably been someone else. It bothered me that she was the same race as him even though he swore up and down that he was not interested in girls of his race. It bothered me that he “chose” her over me and now that he had neither (so he says) he is free to party it up with his alcoholic, neurotic friend and pretend I don’t exist (so I have heard). All those things bothered me but she was the root of it all. I pushed her out of my mind and never dealt with his but chose to focus on him yet she infuriated me. I wondered if they actually were together and he was doing all the things he did with me. I pictured them together and him kissing her like he confessed to me. Messed up huh? I put myself through all these mental hoops envisioning and hating a woman I have never met.
I desperately want to move on and have moved on in many ways but the cycle of blame and infuriation at this woman was holding me back from truly moving on and being free.
I was walking around with blood on my shirt still. I dressed my wounds and put my band aids on but didn’t take them all off when I healed in certain areas. Some areas, in order to heal needed to have the bandage removed so it could truly heal. And the blame, crept up subtly without me really noticing till I was in the midst of being in a bad mood. So I’ve made a few resolutions. Some I will share and some are just better being done than being said.
1. I’m going to stop recanting every sordid detail to everyone I know whom I haven’t seen in a long time. They don’t need to be caught up and this doesn’t need to be my tagline or new identity.
2. I confessed my anger towards this other woman. Now I need to stop blaming myself for him stepping out on me and let her go.
3. I have to stop blaming her and him. He made his decision I have no influence over him or what he chose to do and its irrelevant whether she knew about me (he told me she did) or not.
Among other small things.
Does any part of my story sound familiar? Are you still blaming yourself? Do you blame the other person, circumstance, mother in law, sister, brother, uncle, your mother, sister, friends, cousin, boss? Anyone? How do you plan to free yourself?