I mentioned earlier in one of my blog posts that my ex contacted me almost 2 weeks ago and asked to be friends again after acting like a complete assclown when I gave him a chance in May. He predictably blew it because he didnt really want to be my friend, he wanted me to be his option to help cushion his conscience, be a sex buddy when he couldn’t get it elsewhere and generally just be in the background whenever he needed me.
This realization caused me a lot of stress because he knew I was never the type to be a sex buddy to anyone and I thought, “how dare he try to make me be such a worthless option when he knew I was not that type of person”. Well he at that point didn’t respect me enough to not hurt me the way he did in December. He found someone who he liked a lot and seemed better than me so I needed to go and he had to make sure it was permanent. He didn’t respect me then so he wasnt going to respect me in May when he offered the olive branch of “friendship”. If he couldn’t be a good boyfriend and respect me when we were together then he wasnt going to do it as friends.
I notice something though. He seems to pop up when I am feeling good. I’m being pursued by various suitors and I am feeling happy. Then as soon as he pops up then leaves I feel stressed. I become suspicious, sad, anxious, memories of what he did floods my mind and plays a role in how I interact with others for example my suitors. Then I have to start the process of feeling good all over again. It’s a bad cycle and one I am repeating again since his last stint. It’s enough to make me stop and say this is wrong. I need to stop this cycle and re-claim myself and my sanity. He cannot have this kind of power of my life 7 months after leaving.
Sometimes I wonder what hurts most.; the fact that he left or the fact that he left for her and is now such a different person. Its like I’m stuck on being hurt. I need to unstick from this hurt and count my blessings about what happened.
So here is a list of blessings that occurred since he left.
1. He showed me who is now before he put on ring on my finger and I had a lot more to lose.
2. I got a chance to repair my self-esteem and realize I am great the way I am. I am enough
3. I am a great dresser, I am beautiful just the way I am
4. I am enigmatic, desirable, attractive, fun, outgoing and spontaneous. All things that were his insecurities about himself and projected and blamed me for. He later admitted this but during stressful times those kinds of words sting.
5. He is now her problem. He was not a catch. He is a boy posing as a mature man
6. I am strong and God strengthens me every day
7. I have something worth while to offer the right man when he comes along
8. I have the ability to love
9. I am the change I need in my life right now
10. I am the one who got away and not the other way around
It took a while for me to realize these things. I blamed myself thinking what I said or did was strong enough to influence the decisions of someone else. I strove to be the best girlfriend I could be, supportive, kind, an advocate. But what I ended up doing was exalting this person onto a pedestal that they didn’t deserve and all it did was provide them a platform to look down on me from when they didn’t deserve to be up there anyway. Lesson learned for me.
My mom always used to say never love a man more than he loves you. I loved him more than he loved me and I paid the price for that. I exalted him onto a pedestal out of love not our of earned behaviour because I wanted him to feel great about himself. It worked, he felt he was better than me and treated me like garbage as a result of it. I look back and I think about how great he looked when she met him. I worked hard to make him feel good about himself and inspire him to take steps to lose weight and be the trim person he wanted to be. She met him at the height of my hard work and he met her when he felt he didn’t need me anymore.
Its funny there is a Jamaican saying that I have heard intermittently throughout my life that says
“monkey cross river him dash wey him stick”
Meaning, when the monkey needed help the stick was useful for him to get where he wanted to go. But when the monkey figured he had arrived, the stick was no longer useful and as a result he tosses it. I don’t relegate myself to something as meaningless as a stick but that’s how this situation made me feel. In any case, I can’t change the past. I can’t get into his head and find out for sure all the reasons why he did what he did. That would require him to be honest and right now he isn’t even completely honest with himself let alone anyone else so its a worthless venture that I don’t care to take on.
I think my energy is better spent on other things, like getting all aspects of my life together and feeling good about myself and everything in my life without having his curiosity and momentary attempts to peak in disrupt my happiness.
God bless Beyonce for her new song, “The best thing I never had”. I heard it for the first time in the car on lunch a week ago and tears came to my eyes. At first the song made me feel bad till I took another look at it from the stand point of gratitude which is what the song’s undertones is about. Beyonce is grateful for this man’s assclownery because he removed himself from her life and spared her the grief that a relationship with him would have inevitably brought.
I love this verse:
“I used to want you so bad. I’m so through with that. Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had. And I’m always going to be the best thing you never had. I bet it sucks to be your right now”
From all accounts from mutual friends he’s not looking so great these days. And everyone is saying it’s about time we werent’ together anymore because they never understood what I saw in him.
Then this verse came:
“Its time to face the facts, that I’m the one who got away. Lord knows it would take another place, another time, another world,another lie. Thank God I found the good in Good bye”
I am really beginning to find the good in goodbye!
Then this verse.
“Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodged a bullet. I’m so over you, so good-looking out!”
I’m really beginning to see that indeed I dodged a bullet. Now that this part of my journey, these small epiphanies leading to bigger revelations is taking place, I am excited to continue on to the next chapter and bring this chapter to a close and continue on my journey to living well.
What do you think? Has this happened to you? Are you trying to mend yourself after a bad breakup? Do you know what I am talking about because your living it as you read my story? Speak on it and share I’d love to hear your story and how you are coping/dealing with it or even how you coped and dealt with it.
Till next time 🙂