Thank you for stopping by my page and reading about the musings that is happening in my life. I decided to write this blog as a bit of self therapy (cheaper then the big leather coach and a Psychologist) to help me deal with the ups and downs and all arounds of life after a bad break up. How bad was it you say? Well…
We were together for 3 years. Our relationship wasnt perfect but he presented himself as the perfect guy. He was warm, caring, honest and a stand up guy…or so we thought. But he was hiding a secret. Deep down he didnt feel like he was as mature as everyone thought he was. So there he was in this 3 year relationship saying things he didnt mean, and making promises he didnt want to keep so the only way he felt he could rectify the situation was find someone else…while he was still with me. That was his way to “figure things out” by disconnecting from our relationship and forging a new connection with someone else.
So he treated me horribly, said really mean things to me. He made a big effort to go out of his way the week of christmas to make it clear he didnt want to be with me. He wanted out and being as mean as he could be was the only way to do it. At that point he was feeling “alive” again with this new girl so he needed to offload the old one, me, in order to “move on” with this new relationship. Of course I didnt know those details as the time. He confessed this new connection 3 months after our bad break up and said told me he really likes this girl a lot but they cant be together. I was floored and he took my silence as an indication he could upload more of his guilty conscience onto me. I have to admit I asked questions because I was so shocked. But in the end he doesnt want to be with me and I told him goodbye.
I still loved him so when he contacted me again in May sounding sad and humble I agreed to a friendship with him basing that friendship off the person he was currently not what he did before. I forgave him and I wanted to move on hoping maybe we could re-build this connection. By all accounts it seemed he wanted to do the same I was wrong. He only contacted me when he was sick or bored or down then when everything was “irie” he disappeared again. After 2 weeks of this “friendship” I sent him a text and called him out on it telling him it seemed he was only interested in contacting me when he was down but not when everything was on the up and up. I told him I do not want to be a emotional security blanket for him just because I am familiar. He freaked out telling me everyone was asking him to explain his actions that day and he doesnt feel like he should explain himself to me and I was wrong about my assumption and GOODBYE. Wow…so much for that “friendship” he so strongly requested from me.
It was that point that I had to really sit down and evaluate myself on a few levels and ask some hard questions.
1. Why was I seeking validation from someone who treated me so badly?
2. Why did I not love myself more then the crumbs he was willing to give me after everything he had done?
3. Why was I seeking the crumbs?
4. Do I love myself?
5. Do I respect myself?
Among many other questions. And I have to be honest with you the answers were not what I woud have thought they would be. They were hard answers and the truth of those answers really made me open my eyes and realize I still had a lot of work ahead of me as I journeyed from heartbroken to whole again.
This blog is going to document my ups and downs on that journey. The dates, the crazy men and crazy women who float in and out of my life. Some stay, some dont but its always entertaining to some degree.
Thank you for reading and see you on this crazy ride that is my life.
Ciao Bellas 🙂