When it all falls down…

Hi everyone.


I originally created this blog to have an outlet for self therapy. It worked really well but now I am back. Not because I didn’t need therapy anymore (that would be my ego) but because I need to go back to what worked for me.

After 4 years of dating and being in one long term relationship after another I can say I didn’t love the 2 other guys I was with. I had love for them, and I cared but I wasn’t in love with them. I always held my heart back because deep down I didn’t think they were the one for me let alone the right one for me. I wasn’t trying to have place holders but I was trying to make it work with men who weren’t all that I wanted. I guess I was just grateful for someone pursuing me and I put much weight on that as a barometer to indicate how long they would stay. I realize now that I was holding onto feelings of inadequacy because the love of my life left me for someone else and deep down I internalized it as a message that I wasn’t good enough just as I was. I brought that into relationships and told myself if they pursued me till they caught me than they would stay. I was wrong.

They left too.

They weren’t a catch but they were skilled at honing in on a broken woman who had put up walls to protect herself and I had made myself the perfect bait. Broken people attract broken people and it was all good in the beginning till it all fell down. The first man had more issues than vogue and tried to make me prove myself to him even though he admitted he wasn’t good enough for me. I walked away from him twice than went back then eventually he walked away to make it final. We don’t speak anymore but I have nothing against him; I’ve made my peace with him and everything that happened. The 2nd man was a slimy piece of shit that I knew deep down in my heart wasn’t the man for me. He was pushy and insistant on rushing things along with me and I ignored all my alarm bells and stayed despite how I felt. He ended up leaving and I felt like a fool for sitting around with him when deep down inside I knew I should’ve dropped him from the start.

I stayed single for a while after that. I threw myself into work, quit dating and began praying more and trying to heal from my past hurts. Then in Summer of 2015 I met my version of Robert Borathian (Game of Thrones character if you weren’t a fan like myself). Except my version was toned, caramel and very good looking. He had 3 kids which I didn’t like but he was nice, charming and had alot going for him. He was also far too laid back which was my 1st warning sign looking back. But that was only the beginning. We stayed together for a year and a half before I found out his secret. Once I did, it wasn’t long before he dropped me and then there I was single  yet again, hurt and devastated. Left once again. See the difference this time was I gave my heart to this person not because I felt like it was due time that I’d done so but because this relationship was different than all the rest; I saw a future with this person. He didn’t seem like I was settling (except for the 3 kids thing But I had made up my mind that it was what it was). For this fact alone of giving my heart I was utterly distraught, confused and on the verge of depression. All too familiar because it was Christmas, and again I am heart broken, single without an explanation, with broken dreams for the future and a birthday the following week. 35…some milestone huh? RB was a skilled liar hiding another woman in plain sight and a commitment that he denied until he couldn’t deny it anymore. A real piece of shit just like Robert Borathian from GOT.

So what now?

Long and short of it; I hit the gym hard and began working on releasing my emotions on the treadmill, I was unemployed at the time so I sought alternative ways to job search that would make me stand out and it worked. I landed a job interview 2 weeks after implementing it and a job offer a month later. During this time RB kept dipping in and out of my life to check on me but never offer a concrete reason for his exit. Finally in March after telling him I forgave him I blocked him on all social media. I needed full separation from him in order to fully heal. He was hella pissed that I did so and in July I found out just how pissed he was. I’ll save that for another post as this is already far too long as it is.

I say that to say this, I’m not ready to date anyone else right now. It’s not like I don’t have options but as much as it gets lonely and as much as it sucks to want male companionship (but there aren’t any viable options in sight) I think its best for me to not date anyone and concentrate on improving myself, raising my self esteem (from where it has fallen to bc I’m still hurt to some extent) and healing completely. I’m a pretty woman but I dont want to be that pretty woman who has a broken heart and is always sad.

So I’ll be taking you on that journey with me to complete healing and being found by the right man whom I will be the love of his life and he will be mine. Notice how I worded that; I did that on purpose. It will be interesting. If you’ve been a reader of my blog you will be intrigued to find out who has re-entered my life again and who I have cut off for good. You may be surprised when you find out.

My next post will introduce my family member who passed away recently, more about RB, his slime ball friend and the whisper from my past that tempts me to go down memory lane.

Till then nos vemos!




Catch up Post Miami Vacation: When it all hit the fan I found my voice!

imagesCAJ6ZIUS “Tessa! I need to talk to you!” I said as I walked up to my “manager”. 1 minute later we walked in silence to the open area behind some privacy walls away from my peers. Our in-house lawyer clicked quietly away on her laptop just a few feet away pretending not to notice and the Executive Assistant, (whom I affectional called my “work mom”) glanced over then quickly looked away. The Body Language Expert the company hired to prepare us for our public debut in just 1 month sat just one wall over looking up at us over his laptop. We locked eyes and it was in that instant that he knew and I knew I was about to explode! Prepare the fan!

Karen was demure and meek. Even dare I say it, quiet but once you got to know her she was talkative, loved to laugh and had an intelligent opinion about everything. Not to mention she was tall like me. It was awesome. She and I were managing the same city zone so we worked closely with one another on a daily basis. My favourite phrase for Karen was “Get it together Kare!” LOL She always laughed and so did I. It helped ease the tension resulting from the constant lies, derailments, lack of direction and info from Tessa. It was maddening and we all were feeling it. I dealt with it from the comforts of my bliss bubble. Nothing bothered me. I joked with our Regional Manager, and assured Karen that it would all be ok and we will work it out together. I believed everything I said to her but Karen didn’t. And I didn’t blame her. Logically speaking nothing around us said everything was going to be ok. Logically speaking everything was a mess, the stakes were high we all pictured the media fiasco that would result from us not having what we needed to prevent this from becoming a scandal. No matter where we turned for the info…it was no where to be found except in bits and pieces of Tessa’s lies.

Karen started to miss work which was out of character for her and when she did manage to come in she looked like she was about to pass out. Her tan skin was beginning to look grey. Her hair limp and her eyes very bloodshot. She confessed to throwing up and even passing out right before she’d come into work. We were scared for her but she didn’t want to take time off because we were down to the wire and so much still needed to be done.  She was a nervous wreck. Her stress was taking over and affecting her health. I couldn’t lose my team mate and counterpart but she needed to rest. Then it happened. Our Regional Manager up and quit. At that point i realized he was a big part of my peace in that place because he didn’t freak out about anything. So when he left suddenly to pursue a better opportunity Karen, who was already frail didn’t take it well and just like that my Bliss Bubble officially broke! What the hell were we going to do now?

For the longest time I avoided confrontation. Even if I knew I had to speak up and everything in me told me to I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be seen as that girl who wilds out or loses her cool. I enjoyed my composure. For a long time I had even perfected the neutral face so no one knew how I really felt about something but this job was quickly eroding that away! First to go was my neutral face. Next my ability to sleep, then my temper. Fast forward to our talk behind the privacy wall.

“Tessa, I want to talk to you about the………”

“Ok” she said taking a deep breath.

“Is it ready as yet? When can we receive it because as you know all these other decisions are hinging on the info that we can’t complete without it?”

She stared at me then adjusted her stance and began to tell me its been ready for a while but needed revisions. Its been what? So you lied to us this entire time and blamed upper management for holding it up. Going on and on about how it’s their fault that she doesn’t have the info to share. But be patient she’d assure us, “Its coming!”. But you had it this whole time? I listened in silent anger then repeated to her why it was important for us to know so we could finalize our next steps which hinged on this crucial information. Cornered, she tried to back track, she tried to wiggle out of the fact that she was sitting on this info while simultaneously pushing us to complete tasks that hinged on it. I pulled her card and told her that it seemed as if she was doing it intentionally so we could commit to schedules that over extended us without having all the real facts. She stumbled. She denied then blamed me and my peers. Thats when I lost it!

The Body Language expert immediately got up to “go get coffee”. I layed into her and she tried to lay in back but she was no match for me because I had facts, she had lies. I let her have it and told her how she is causing us undue stress by lying and withholding this info then I waited for her to respond. She lied again but this time about not sitting on the info. I reminded her that she just admitted to having the info this whole time. She stumbled tried to back track again then conceded defeat. She told me she’d send it to me and only to me to look over asking if I could use my expertise to help finalize it. Tessa is 6′ Feet tall. I’m 5’8.5 about 5’10 in heels.

I’ve never spoken up for myself to management like that before ever. I always wanted to be professional at work but outside of work if you pushed me enough I’d speak up. Now, I was speaking up to everyone!

While I was doing introspective work and praying I felt this feeling deep down in my gut that one of the things I needed to change was my avoidance of confrontation. My friends told me and so did my family but I was scared. I didn’t want people to be unhappy with me. I wanted their validation and acceptance even at the hands of their disrespect. Thats not what God wanted for me. I see that now. A few times while I prayed it was a task that would come to me;  you must begin to stand up for yourself. Stop running. Well, with God I’ve learned that if He asks you to do something and you run from it He will bring it right to you i.e Jonah and the whale. Tessa and this new job description was my whale and I had no where to run anymore.

We walked off and as I walked back to my desk my peers gathered around me and in hushed whispers asked what the hell just happened out there. Honestly, I didn’t know. All I knew was that what I said was a long time coming and I felt a huge sense of relief from it. I didn’t quite know what the outcome would be but whatever it was I was going to face it no matter what. That was the beginning of the end of avoiding confrontation. Now I no longer feared it. I still didn’t like it but if I needed to be addressed I was on it!

10 minutes later and the “missing” information was in my inbox. Tessa came over right away and asked me to sit with her so we could go over it. She was calm, even eerily pleasant. I didn’t look her in the eyes till I was about to get up but when I did I saw fear and a new found awareness on her part. The game had changed for her and now she knew exactly where I stood.

In the coming 3 weeks (till show time), we butted heads once more. Why? Cause of her lies. She tried to get HR and 2 directors involved and they all sided with me. She was livid and stomped off to cry it out and lie about it to a comforting ear on our team. I waited for the day that he realized exactly who she was. We all waited. Finally that day came. What else was new tho? Just so you know it wasn’t just me she butted heads with. She had a few major showdowns with the Lead Analyst and a few more with my peers on more than 1 occasion. Work was a war zone. Not only did she know where we stood, we knew where she stood too. To say it was a tense work environment is an understatement. At one point I think she started going to the gym not to tone up but so she could defend herself just in case we decided to wait for her in the parking lot. She was right.

I found my voice. Good thing because I was going to have to use it a lot more after July 1st but this time I was ready!

Next Post Nov 12th.

Catch Up Post Miami Vacation: Who am I, The epiphany and the calm before the storm!


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When I went back to work the next day everyone marvelled at my tan. They told me how great it looked against my dark hair. My friend who told me, “Get a tan xxBonzexx!” Now replaced that with, “I told you so!”. I had no comeback for her because she was so right! I loved it. I had a whole new look and a whole new life experience to now carry with me. Not only that but work had transitioned my role and I had a whole new job description to take on as well. One that I could see, would cause an issue with my personality and that of my peers. I didn’t know exactly how introspective that observation would be. More on that in later posts!

As I sat at my desk and looked around at my peers (who too went away on vacation and came back the same day I did) I began thinking to myself that if I could get through Miami and all the stress that went with it then do I really need to be around people as much as I thought I did? Did I really need their friendship or was it their validation that I craved and why did I need validation from these people? Can I go to lunch by myself? The mall by myself? Get my nails done by myself? Do I constantly need company to do these things? Can I come home and un wind without looking at my phone wondering why it’s not ringing or who I could call now? Why did I need such constant validation? Wasn’t I enough? And if not, where do I begin to validate myself so I AM enough?

I realized I had a lot of work to do to begin getting to the root of why I felt like I needed this validation and where and how I could give it to myself. One thing I knew was I had this sinking feeling about my new role, I felt anxiety and stress and I also knew I didn’t like it either. I was afraid of what was to come. My fear was right. Insert new manager Tessa. Tessa never managed people before let alone a team of 12 HR people and 1 Business Analyst. As a result she was horribly incompetent at her job. She was used to being domineering when confronted, winging it and flying by the seat of her pants when she was faced with a situation she didn’t know how to handle and worst of all she lied about everything. She wasn’t even good at that because the people she lied about us too came straight to us and told us every word. It could be manageable if that was it but she was lying about information we need to do our job. You’d think she’d learn but she kept on lying even after getting caught.

Not only that but we kept her accountable and thus clipped her wings whenever she tried to fly by the seat of her pants in a situation she didn’t know. She didn’t like it so she’d run crying to the director to tell on all the “mean” HR people who reported to her. After a while she was known around the office as the cry baby. Oh Tessa isn’t at her desk? She’s probably crying somewhere and 9/10 times you’d be right. But even he couldn’t save her from us. It was going to be a long summer. Tessa knew it, we knew it and so did the Regional Managers that we worked with. They too strongly disliked Tessa for the same reasons. It wasn’t looking good for her.

One thing I did know was, I had this new sense of independence that I didn’t have before. If I wanted to go to the mall I went. I didn’t pick up the phone and ask anyone to come with me. It didn’t even cross my mind and when I did remember the fact that I didn’t desire to have anyone with me, it made me both smile and scared at the same time. It was foreign but it was good. I got home and put my phone aside and didn’t think about it again till it was time to plug it in and go to bed. But I still needed to figure out a way to give myself validation so I didn’t seek it from anyone else. I decided to turn to God for my comfort because at my lowest point he was there for me. To some it sounds hokey but it’s not. I felt like He was the only one I could trust. So I spoke to Him like He was a person in front of me. It felt comforting.

I sat many days and looked introspectively asking myself key questions and examining my past for clues as to how I got here. It wasn’t long till I realized the top 3 things that were common threads in the demise and or lack lustre results in all my friendships and relationships:

  1. I talk to much; I over share
  2. I was lonely
  3. I wanted acceptance

Number 1 ties into number 3, which temporarily eases number 2 until number 2 is no longer satisfied and then the cycle continues. The root of all these things was loneliness. I needed to find a way to manage my loneliness and I had no idea how to do it.

I spoke to my friend who bailed on me when I got back but it didn’t feel the same. I didn’t dislike her and I understood her reason for bailing but I found it interesting that she made sure her birthday trip was secure regardless of what that did to me having to go on my trip alone. It didn’t quite matter that it caused me great anxiety. For her, it would be a learning experience for me so in that way it was fine. I was a big girl right? It wasn’t about me; my happiness or “doing right” by me wasn’t even a factor. Instead of resenting her I decided to study her for a second. I firmly believe that a persons reaction to you is a direct result of how they feel about themselves inside. It’s a reflection of them and not you. I noted that she put herself first regardless of how that affected anyone else. Right or wrong in anyone’s eyes it was her own opinion that mattered. No one else. Interesting I thought to myself. I didn’t share the same heart as her; I just couldn’t do that to someone but I knew that she wouldn’t be the 1st or last person to enter my life who lived their life that way. So why stay hurt about it? Learn and adjust my perspective on expectations of people so this doesn’t happen again. Never again will I ever get caught out like that. Never.


Study the rules of the game then learn how to play it.


Figuring her out wasn’t my job; that I knew but observing her was. So I did, took what I needed from it then moved on. No time for anger. Now that I had figured out what my triggers were and their root causes, I needed to pray about it and ask God to either take that feeling of loneliness away or help me manage it so it doesn’t control and drive my decisions. I prayed then quickly forgot about my new plan of attack because things at work were about to hit the fan and the powder keg that was Tessa, her manipulations and lies was about to cause a major war. You see, while I was home doing all this introspective thinking, work was becoming a serious war zone. I was oblivious because I was in this bubble of peace where nothing bothered me. That was the eye of the storm. We were working under circumstances that was a set up for real and serious failure and considering all that was at stake and how accountable we would be (i.e a National scandal if the media caught wind of it) tensions were at an all time high.


Then just like that they exploded and who knew that I would be the match to start the fire.

Because at the end of the day there is only so much someone can take.


Next post Nov 11th!


Till next time guys!

Catching up: My trip to Miami…the good, the worst, the panic and the new Part II


“Oh so you speak Spanish?” Chayanne asked me with the biggest smile he could smear across his handsome face. I stared up at him and got lost in his dark eyes. He was all of 6’5 and I was loving the height difference, his broad shoulder and of course his handsome face. “You don’t get that in Toronto!” I thought to myself as I answered back in Spanish telling him that I do speak the language. He was impressed. So was I because it had been so long since I’d spoken it. I guess all  I needed was a lil motivation! 😉

He upgraded my rental for free thanks to that sundress, and the sweat that stuck said dress to my booty so he could see every curve and jiggle as I walked in front of him. When I sat in the car he leaned in and asked me if I would like him to show me how to use it. I already knew how to use the radio and the wipers and all that shit. It was a Hyundai Elantra after all. What was there to learn? But hey, to have you lean in and “show me” this car then why not Chayanne. Show me baby! So he did and gave me his number just in case I had any questions. *insert devilish grin here* Just in case of course 🙂

After he walked off to help a customer who interrupted our tutorial I proceeded to plug in my GPS and enter the hotel info. That got interrupted mid way by a pair of gay lovers having a domestic spat in the mini van beside me. Young Boy was mad at older daddy. Daddy didn’t respect him and talked to him like he was a child and he was sick of it (his words not mine). He got out the van, slammed the door and proceeded to take all his luggage out the back in a loud swear word laced huff.

“I’ll walk. I don’t need your muthaF”’ ass! You think you own me because you buy me shit. Well F** you!”, he yelled slamming the back door hard. I secretly wondered if “daddy” got the waiver to cover any damages from that door slam.  Daddy jumped out behind him and proceeded to plead with him to get back in the car in the lowest voice I ever heard a man argue in my life. He was embarrassed. Young boy agreed and got back in the van and they drove off ahead of me but not before Young Boy asked daddy if he was going to get him something to eat. I guess daddy agreed cause next thing I knew they were gone. Again, you don’t see that in Toronto either!

Well, after calling parents and friends to let them know I was alive…sweating profusely but alive I made my way onto the highway.

I’ll say this. Driving in Toronto and driving on the highways of Miami was like an eye opening experience in bad driving. Signalling? Who does that? Speed limit? What speed limit? Those rules don’t exist. It felt like I was driving on the 407 during rush hour and no one was doing anything below 120 km/hr. 160 km/hr and above is the norm on the 407 and so it seemed to be in Miami as well. I was practically walking as I did 100 km/hr (posted speed limit of 60 miles/hr). Clearly I wasn’t home anymore. I wished I had gotten something with a bit more power so I could keep up a bit more. Nonetheless, I stuck to the right lane or as close as I could to it and did 100-120 km/hr to keep up with the flow. Miami radio stations are bomb! I used them to enjoy my drive as my GPS guided me to the hotel.

After passing a big car accident and fearing that those flashing lights meant that I too might be pulled over with everyone else, I finally I made it to the hotel. My friend came downstairs and helped me  up with my bags. 1 bed. 1 bath. Small room. Big sigh….

“Go get ready we are leaving in 10 mins.” he ordered as he sat back down on the bed to finish watching the game.

Say what now? I just got here! Ok, Well you drive.

I was so glad when he agreed and I so gladly sat in the passenger seat and took in the Miami night sky relieved that I didn’t have to deal with the highway again. We made our way down to a strip mall where a club blared Soca, Hip Hop, and Dancehall music. I danced and drank the night away and woke up the next day to a mild headache but happy to be alive, awake and ready to start my trip! Oceans drive here I come. I don’t remember where my new roomie went and it didn’t matter so much to me. I showered, did my hair, threw on my bikini , took the obligatory 100 selfies then drove 30 mins down to Oceans Drive. It was super hot! Like HOT!!!! My perfect Farrah Faucet – Kim Kardashian flips fell like old Christmas lights but my face was pretty and my body was on point so I didn’t mind. I spent 3 months eating healthy and working out so I couldn’t wait to show it off. I deserved it cause when I got back home I was going to finally eat food that tasted good and was filling. Burgers and fries here I come!

That’s when I met Gary. American men and Canadian men are super different! American men will cross traffic to come talk to you. Men from Toronto expect you to cross traffic to talk to them! Disgusting. It was nice to have men approach me politely, compliment me and talk to me. I don’t mind approaching good looking men (now) but to have a man approach and smile was so refreshing. Unlike Toronto men who stare from a distance, don’t smile but look at you longingly like, “come talk to me” and if you don’t the look turns into disgust. Gary was nice. He invited me over to his table and we sat and talked. I ordered food and drinks for myself of course. You’re not paying for my coochie sir so you can turn around and demand a return on investment. We spoke for a minute then he went to check into his hotel. He had just arrived and the hotel was on Oceans Drive right above the restaurant I was at. His Georgian accent was hard to understand at first but I did well piecing together what the hell he was trying to say to me. He was cute and we agreed to meet up again that weekend.

Everything was going great till I checked my credit card and realized the dumb bitch at the car rental counter put a $500 hold on my credit card for the car when she told me she’d only put the rental plus 10% which would’ve amounted to $160. That’s $660 hold on my card that wouldn’t be released until after I returned the car Monday morning before my flight. That’s the kind of hold you put on rentals for people under 25. I was livid but worst that left me with less than $200 for 3 days since I already spent money on my card since being there. WHAT THE F***!!!!! I know I don’t look my age at all but the bitch checked my ID and saw that I was NOT under the age of 25. Like WTF! I was in another country, I had to eat, put gas in my rental and live. I sat by the pool and broke down crying in +100 degree heat. My tears practically evaporated as they fell from my face. I wondered what the hell I was going to do now.

You see, Oceans drive was cool but it stung to see girls down there with their friends as I walked around by myself. I am an introvert. I know a lot of people back home but less than 5 are my friends. That’s intentional. I felt super lonely down there. I struggled to figure out what I was going to do to entertain myself and be safe. Safe being the word because I wanted to do so many things but I didn’t feel safe going to those places by myself.  I could’ve laid by the pool all day and got that tan that my friend told me to get but then what? I prayed. I cried some more. I prayed some more then picked up the phone and called my dad. He sent me $200US and I picked it up from the local American Bank near my hotel(to the Canadian one that I bank with). The customer service lady was super nice and empathetic as she looked for branches nearby. $1000 spending money had nearly evaporated just like that through no fault of my own. I was super upset. If I could’ve drop kicked that girl at the rental counter I would’ve. I held onto that money like it was life. I didn’t know what the next 3 days held but I knew at least I had $200 US plus what was left on my card just in case. Thanks dad even though I’m an adult given the circumstance of me being there the way I was I’m still his daughter.

My roomie friend was empathetic. We went out to eat. He went to a wedding. I went back down to Oceans drive and made friends. I told myself that this was the worst that it could possibly get. Things had to look up from here and I couldn’t let my friend bailing on me, or the bitch at the Enterprise Counter get me down because of her negligence in UN-CLICKING that “25 and under button on her screen” – yea I know what the screen looks like – not to mention feeling very uncomfortable in my sleeping arrangements get me down. I was here and I wasn’t flying out till Monday and it was Saturday night. Go have fun and turn up I told myself. You have a good head on your shoulders, you’re fun and most of all you’re smart. Just listen to your gut and get out when it tells you to. Don’t end up on an episode of “Bad trips Abroad”. Make the most of being there. So I did just that. I hung out with Gary on Oceans drive. We watched the basketball game together. He was cool. No sex. No touching. NOTHING! We just chilled.

Chayenne was busy so he couldn’t meet up with me. Its a shame really but probably for the best. We probably would’ve got to kissing, then touching then there goes the clothes. He was so sexy but I didn’t go down there for that. Along the way I met some girls down there who were pretty cool. Who knew just sitting down to rest my feet and I…the shy introvert would make friends and talk and best of all laugh with strangers. After that ice breaker I spoke to everybody. The valet, the officers, the cute guys who approached me, the nice lady passing by the men who said hi as they walked past me, the Spanish people who would walk up to me and only speak to me in Spanish (how did they know I spoke it?) even if I spoke to them in English first. Damnit, I spoke to everybody! TExcept most of the black girls down there. Some were a bit…standoffish. Ok. I didn’t pay them any mind. They stared at me like they didn’t know what to make of me. Some stared like they could just tell I was a stuck up bitch like how dare you. I wasn’t a stuck up bitch but they would never know. I spoke to those who spoke back to me if not….I kept it moving. Girl Bye!

I enjoyed jumping in my car and singing along to the songs as I drove down the highway. I was getting used to the aggressive driving but I still signaled when I changed lanes. I had no planes of using that extra medical insurance I bought. I rolled down the window and let the wind blow through my hair and marveled that I was in another country and I was dare I say it ok! I felt independent and stronger like I conquered my worst fears and lived to tell about it. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

I took in the mannerisms of the people and giggled at their accents. The did the same at mine. They stared at me in quiet observation because they knew I was foreign plus I didn’t act like they did. I was quiet and a bit shy but I still have that look about me that says, I can and will defend myself so don’t try it. My friend and I and his friends went to the beach Sunday and frolicked in the perfectly clear waters that is the beautiful ocean. The salt water felt so good on my skin, tasted refreshing as the waves splashed over my hair. My new friend (that I made that day on the beach) and I giggled whenever the waves crashed over us. We sat in the water and talked about everything. Life, her kids, the ocean, the beautiful sky what it was like being in Florida, when she was leaving etc. It was awesome.

You guys, I gotta say I got so dark. My before and after pictures are astonishing really. Caramel skin quickly gave way to bronze sun kissed skin. It was a nice even bronze too that went well with my dark brown hair. It was as if the sun was different down there compared to Toronto. I’ve never tanned so golden bronze before in my life. I stared in the mirror and thought….I really like this. A LOT! My friend was right. She is going to be so proud of me LOL Finally xxBronzexx is actually…bronze!!

Of course funny things happened in between. Like the lesbian who stared me down in Burger King as her friends behind the counter dared her to come talk to me. The lesbian waiting for her boyfriend who asked for my number so she and I could be friends while she was down there to visit. The drunk girls in the group et al. All in all it was fun!

Sunday night was spent with my good friend Rheena who lived 25 mins outside the county I was in. She and I went to PF Changs and we ate and talked about life. I told her about my situation and she was so nice and understanding. She offered me really good perspective on what to take away from my time down there; things to learn and how I could use this to grow. She was right because I’d already grown so much as it was. She offered great dating advice too. At that point I was not involved with anyone. She gave me a lot to think about. We drove around for a bit before she dropped me back to my car and I took off down the highway back to my county. When I got back to the hotel my roomie was knocked out from partying that evening. He was snoring very….VERY loudly. I don’t think I slept much at all the entire trip. His snoring was loud and obnoxious. At one point I sat up and looked at him and said, ‘oh come on!” He didnt hear a thing. I put my ear plugs in from the plane ride down there and tried to sleep. His snoring was on a level I’ve never had to encounter before in my life. I packed my bags, left out what I would wear on the plane ride back and went back to bed to sleep as much as I could.

I thanked my guy friend for all he’d done for me while down there before I left. I appreciated it. His obnoxious snoring was the least of what happened to me while I was down there. I flew out of Miami at 8 am and landed back in Toronto by 11:00am. I was happy to see the Toronto skyline. Who knew? I was just happy to be alive. Everyone on the plane slept until the seat belt light woke us up and the pilot informed us that we were descending onto Toronto and he expected to land the plane in 30 minutes, a whole half hour ahead of schedule. I buckled my seat belt and fell back asleep. I woke up as the plane touched down. Ahhh!!! Home sweet home.

My dad came to pick me up and the first thing I did when I got home was drop my luggage, change my clothes and crawl into bed. I slept the whole day away. I knew this trip was life changing. I could feel it as I got back home but what I didn’t know was how life changing it was going to be now that I was back home. How different my perspective was going to be. How permanent that change would be and the affect it would have on those around me. I didn’t know 5 days could quickly change me the way it did. In my next coming posts, I’m going to share how life changing it has been and how it’s reverberated in my life today. Stay tuned. Oh there is so much more to share!

Till next time 🙂

Next post Nov 10th!

Catching Up: My Trip to Miami and how I found out I’m stronger than I thought Part 1


Good night all!

I hope everyone has been well. I have. In the interim since I last posted back in May 2015 I went on vacation to Miami Florida for Spring break weekend and what happened to me caused me to learn so much about myself. It literally changed me as a person. Let’s start off these series of catch up posts at that point since I think that’s a great point to begin on whats been happening with me since then.

In January of this year I told myself that I was going to fly somewhere…anywhere as long as I got to leave the country. You see, it had been 5 years since I left Canada and traveled on a plane anywhere and I felt like it was beyond time for me to go and see the world a lil bit…even if it meant just flying south. There is something to be said about saying something out loud and telling yourself your going to do it and watching the universe move and align to make it happen. I sat at my desk at work beside my friend Petal, a cute Asian girl whose tall like me (5’8.5) who is so pleasant to be around. I loved hanging with her and just talking; she was so amazing. Anyhow, she and I sat there and I relayed to her how I want to go to Miami. She shared with me how she had flown out and traveled by herself all over Europe and how life changing it was. I sat and listened wide eyed; half because I was astonished that she was so brave to travel on her own and the other half wondering if I too could do the same. I didn’t think so but I listened anyway and took her advice on the best sites to book my trip and accommodations from.

20 minutes later, and a quick phone call and there I was on Expedia, credit card in hand booking my trip to Miami. I got such a sweet deal on the flight there and back because I was booking so far in advance of flying out in May. That’s the trick everyone! If you’re going to fly out in the summer book your flight from January or February to get the best bang for your buck. $380 there and back WITH travel insurance. Sweet! My friend was supposed to come with me; a girls trip if you will. She told me she couldn’t book her flight as yet because she just used her credit card to fix her car but she was going to book in April. Looking back that should have been my 1st warning flag. We planned to share a Air BnB together; a nice flat in downtown Miami, close to all the action. It was perfect…until she lost her job in April and promptly pulled out of the trip.

I was devastated.

I now was faced with flying by myself, something I’ve never done before. What sucked even worst was that I changed my flight to accommodate her ability to fly out with me. When I called my booking agent he told me I would have to cancel my flight then re book and pay $100 more than what I paid in January. It was now April my flight was a month away and I had no one to fly down with and no accommodations booked. What the F** was I going to do? I was angry but I had no time to dwell on it. Luckily I had a guy friend going down the day before me staying 30 mins outside of Miami City and he offered to split the room. Every BNB I looked into in April now had sky high prices and or were booked up. My spending budget and “what if money” was now going to be significantly cut into for accommodations. WTF!  Reluctantly, with what felt like no real choice I agreed to share the room with him. I did not feel comfortable with this arrangement. He was a friend yes but I didn’t see him in that way. He’d flirted in the past but I had ZERO intentions of sleeping with him. After a week of sleepless nights and what felt like major anxiety I called him up 3 days before we flew out (him in the morning, me in the evening thanks to flying to accommodate what would’ve been her flight time) and told him how I felt. He understood and told me he had no intentions of trying anything and I shouldn’t worry. He understood my circumstance and wouldn’t try to take advantage of me. Let’s hope he was right…

3 days later I left to Pearson International Airport with my dad (he drove me there because the MetroLinx Airport Shuttle wasn’t going to be up and running until June for the 2015 Pan Am Games). Getting through Canadian customs was quick and interesting. One thing about Pearson Airport is there are A LOT and when I say A LOT I do mean A LOT of OPP Officers, Peel Regional Officers, Toronto Police and SWAT walking around. You can’t walk a few steps without seeing at least 2 or 3 of the above. I walked up to an OPP Officer who directed me to where I could check my bags if I was flying to the US. He was nice. It was all smiles going through the Canadian side. The Black lady who scanned my carry on smiled at me when she stopped on my baggage and saw all my beauty products and my huge make up bag. Hey, if they lose my checked bag then at least I have the tools for a full face beat, extra panties, a bathing suit, skirt, toiletries and a flat iron to hold me through till they find my bag. We both gave each other that knowing look like, “yep, I see what you got here girl”. That was cool. Like I said the Canadian side was all great till I got to the American side where the American Officers talked to me like they just knew I was up to something nefarious. The Asian officer who was my final step (of interrogation) before I could go wait on my plane practically grilled me like he just knew he was going to be a hero that day asking me questions like:

“Why are you flying alone?”

“Why are you going down to Miami and not anywhere else?”

“Whats going on in Miami?”

“Who are you going to see?”

“Oh friends? Why aren’t they with you?”

“When will you be back?”

“Do you plan on partying and bringing anything back with you”

“What do you do for a living?”

“Is there anything you not telling me?”

“Do you have food with you?” Why would I have food with me?? Like Miami doesn’t have food!

I smiled and politely answered all of his questions. At one point he wanted to smile back at me because I was so pleasant despite his demeanor, but as the smile crept onto his lips he remembered his tough guy act and  he forced it away quickly. After he was done questioning me he stared at me for a few seconds in silence as if he was searching my soul before handing me back my passport and telling me to have a good trip.”‘Don’t party too much” he said as I turned to walk away. It was now my turn to compose myself. I was too afraid of being down there on my own and living in an uncomfortable situation for 5 days to think about partying. I took my passport, gave a quick smile and briskly walked away. I wondered if he saw my fear.

As I walked into the new part of Pearson I noted how light and nice it was. Terminal 2 used to be so ugly, damp and dark. It felt like it was falling apart but now it was a bustling hot spot of latte’s, waiters asking if you wanted a drink and a menu, and lots of natural light coming in thanks to the beautiful glass arched roof, shops, pets and Starbucks and Tim Horton’s cups rushing past me. I smiled to myself as I made my way over to my boarding gate. I had 45 mins till my plane left so I decided to I sit and call my mom to let her know I made it through the interrogation and I was now waiting on my flight. I called said friend who bailed on me and she surprisingly sounded all “don’t worry you’ll be fine. This will be great. You can reinvent yourself down there to be anything you wanted. Its going to be totally awesome”. I thought to myself, “I’d like to be anything but down there alone” but I agreed, told her I’d call her when my flight landed then hung up. Called my other friend and we joked about how she wanted me to get a tan down there and not to run away from the sun. I’m the poster child for skin health and sunscreen lotion. I told her I bought SPF 60 and coming back with a tan just wasn’t gonna happen. She laughed and at the same time was disgusted that I would purchase the highest SPF she’d ever heard of. I laughed too cause only I would find the highest SPF she’d heard of and bring it with me. It made me feel better.

Boarding time then we were off!

5 hours later and some mild turbulence due to a thunderstorm, my flight landed and I quickly regretted my long sun dress as the sheer humidity of the Miami climate filled the plane like a heavy fog. I was sweating before I could reach up to pull down my luggage. It was about 10C/50F in Toronto when I left but in Miami it was about 30C/86F with a humidex (feels like due to the humidity) of 35C/95F. I couldn’t wait to get off the plane, pop my ears and make my way to pick up my rental from Enterprise. The walk to the rental area was like a jaunt across the country. Miami Airport is MASSIVE! After 15 mins of what seemed like walking forever I got my rental and made my way down to the car pick up.

There I met a tall handsome Puerto Rican drink of water named Chayenne.

“Hi My name is Chayenne, welcome to Miami. Let me help you today”

Hi Chayenne. Maybe this trip by myself won’t be so bad after all. Or so I thought.

Part 2 will be up Nov 9th!

It’s 2:40 in the morning

When it’s 2:40 am in the morning and all you can think about is feeling alone. I think despite how I’m feeling this is a good time to do some spring  cleaning. Clean out my text messages, the going no where’s, the place holders, the ones I’m not interested in at all. Quality over quantity.

Just my thoughts out loud.

Goodnight all

When you don’t listen to your gut you suffer the consequences


It all started with a Facebook notification. Rico had been messaging me on and off for 4 months all of which  I ignored. I wasn’t interested and I didn’t even know this guy. But this time his message caught my eye so I replied and talked back and forth till I agreed to meet him for drinks. It actually turned out to be a good time but I wasn’t ready to date anyone néw seriously  because I just broke up with my ex 2 weeks before. Maybe my fault  but I was straight forward with Rico from the start.

My friends kept telling me that he might be worth a try because he treated me  nicely, he was tall and  very handsome. Well Rico thought so too. He was pushy and too affectionate and eventually revealed quite jealous and insecure. At the same time I was getting to know Young Ting, a 22 year old guy at my job who also liked me. As well another guy named John. I was enjoying not having to commit to anyone and exploring my options. It was freeing.

But Rico kept pushing and I kept standing my ground. Till one day I had a talk with my cousin who told me I should either let Rico go or commit since till that point he had shown great interest and was a good guy. Sure on paper he seemed good but I didn’t have a good feeling deep down about him something was off ( like his insecurity and jealousy wasn’t enough of a sign). Oh!  Did I mention he had 4 kids and an ex wife?

I look back now and I realize I let way too many people advise me instead of listening to myself. I wanted to drop him. Instead I comitted, dropped the other 2 and stayed with Rico. Big mistake.

Thanksgiving weekend he seemed a bit off. In fact for the past 2 weeks he seemed weird and off. Well that weekend he went to dinner with his family and never called me back. Yep, you read that right. To make it better I had a feeling he was ao i texted aaking how he waa doing and watched him read it and not reply. Pissed me off. Shortly after that he deleted all of my pics off his instagram and put up new ones of him and another woman. His ex wife!

I don’t think furious is the word. Deep down my gut told me before I saw the pics but when I saw them with my own two eyes I was livid. I told him off and blocked him off of everything. This made him furious because he liked to creep me on social media (he told me so – part of his jealousy and insecurity) so he posted more pics till I eventually stopped checking his page because it was crazy to torture myself this way.

I acted like I was more ok than I was because I didn’t want to seem like that girl to other people but it really hurt me considering I gave him a chance, stepped over my own feelings of uncertainty, tolerated his small penis and he ended up leaving the way he did.

But I’m thankful. It was a lesson to not settle (which I did), listen to myself (which I didn’t),  accept that certain things are not for me (jealousy & uncertainty -obviously and a small penis -the sex was trash) and not not be afraid to walk if something isn’t for me (small dick, trash sex and insecurity issues not to mention 4 kids). Huge lesson.

John contacted me and we started dating mid December but ended right after my birthday earlyJanuary. He was and still is a disrespectful asshole and I refused to allow that negativity in my life. He didn’t see it that way and holds it against me. Interesting that he should think so when by his own admission girls before me including his recent ex told him the exact same thing. Next!

Lessons learned in 2014. My next post will continue my lessons learned.

Oh and Rico got told off something dirty by his female co workers when they found out what he did to me. He ended up dropping the ex wife for a new ting in the US. The ex wife was left without him or her then boyfriend whom she dropped to reconcile with her ex husband for. No idea what’s happened to him since tho. Don’t care.

Where have you been?


Where do I begin? It’s been almost a year and so much has happened.

First thing is I will be back here writing more often. This place is like therapy for me. A safe place to get thoughts out of my head and a place to express myself without judgement.

Secondly, I miss you guys alot. Stay tuned for my next post.

Ciao for now.

It’s been a while!


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Hey everyone.


It’s been a while since I updated this post. Reason being is I have been keeping busy, facing this head on and quite frankly feeling  ALOT better about everything. Like a lot.

He’s not for me plain and simple and it took a short while to face it, accept it and begin to put it behind me but I have. He came back around though. Told me he is sorry. Told me he wants to make it work. The standard BS a man will say when he realizes he F’d up! But he hasn’t changed and I can’t sit around and accept his disrespect in the name of love. I have to choose myself and I have to love myself more than that. I’m not ugly. I am an attractive young woman who has a very bright future and a bright present. He will just bring me down. Not only that but he confessed to trying to get me pregnant. I think that smacked me really hard in the face because I am not ready for a child right now especially since I am not working FT job and also  my business has become my FT. Not to mention he’s an asshole who would use the child to try and control and manipulate me. No thank you. Disrespectful, controlling and a baby father? Uh Uh…I’m gone!

Thank God for period app’s and the day I downloaded and updated it regularly!

So on wards and upwards. Honestly for the 2 weeks I considered reconciliation (before the man confessions including the baby thing) I didn’t sleep well. The moment I closed the door on that relationship I went to bed that night and slept so good! My spirit wasn’t settled. My mind wasn’t settled and my gut didn’t feel comfortable being with him.

This will be the last time I post about him. I’ve talked to myself about him when things pop into my mind because you believe more of what you say to yourself than what other’s say to you. So I have done a lot of positive self talk, encouragement and “therapy” and it’s paying off in spades. I’ve reduced the frequency of talking to my friends about him by 80%. Every once and a while when I feel a down moment I call up a girlfriend and she helps me to get out of my head and gives me another perspective which I incorporate into my positive self talk.

I’ve reluctantly started dating again. Not because I am ready but it is actually helping me to not hate men and see that there are gentleman out there. I’ve gone on a date with 2 so far. 1 pissed me off on text earlier today so we will see if he will be texting again (I honestly don’t care if he doesn’t – I’m not tolerating nonsense), the 2nd is cool and quite the gentleman but I am NOT ready to date anyone seriously at ALL!!!! I’ll fill you guys in on how that’s going regularly! I’ll also post about the 1st guys date and the shenanigans that ensued with that…..all I have to say is sigh…and NEXT!

Ciao for now!

And the fuckery continues

So I’m kinda wavey right now at this bbq so please take what I’m writing for what it is. For the past 2 weeks ive made peace with the break up.  I’ve told myself I can di better than him and all the positive self talk that comes with learning to love yourself more. I even stopped responding to his text messages. I’ve been feeling happy sad if that makes sense. Happy because I have no one to wonder or worry about and sad because I’m single and I still have feelings for him wishing they didn’t exist. I know it’s a normal part of the process of grieving a relationship is over and moving on. I don’t want to talk to anyone else or entertain anyone. Not interested right now. I want to do me. I feel like guys lie and I’m not interested in getting close to anyone in a romantic way at all. The thought repulses me. I know God will send him but not when I’m feeling like this right now. A number called yesterday and I answered because I have a business and I put myself out there. I answered and it was him. A victim of technology where I do t have to memorize numbers plus my ex changes his alot. As you can guess it was him. Told me he misses me has feelings for me still loves me he wants me in his life wants to leave the past in the past and move forward to repairing things. I listened intrigued yet angry all at the same time. When he was done talking I laughed. He hurt me so much by walking away now he’s saying he only wanted a break and he wants me around. I’m disgusted. Yet I still love him. I want a relationship right now but my mental is not right.  I don’t trust guys.  I want the intimacy but I don’t trust the sincerity. I met someone last Saturday who called me today. I practically didn’t recognize him when he called. It was the most boring condo of my life  told him I’d call him back but I don’t want to. I said I would so I will but I don’t want to. I only told him so I can get off the phone. Just straight fuckery.  What am i going  do? Live. Learn. Live. Life.

Till next time.